"This week in the Michael Jackson case, prosecutors presented Michael's phone records. Apparently, the records reveal that Michael repeatedly calls the department of child services to ask if they deliver."

"The fiance of Georgia's runaway bride says he's going to stand by the woman and he even gave her the engagement ring back. He also gave her a matching electronic ankle bracelet."

"The latest rumor in Hollywood that actress Jennifer Garner is pregnant with Ben Affleck's baby. Which means Affleck has finally had a successful release."

"Snoop Dogg has agreed to give a lecture at Oxford University about the effects of smoking marijuana. Finally, somebody will explain this thing called marijuana to college students."

"In a new interview, Paris Hilton says she doesn't want to be known as 'the Hilton Hotel girl' her whole life. Which is good because most people know her as 'the night vision porno tramp.'"

"Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, an accountant testified that Michael is in debt for 280 million dollars. Michael knew he was out of money when he looked out his window and saw a 'repo' man riding away on his giraffe."

"According to Star magazine, last week, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were having really loud sex and neighbors said it sounded like 'someone was being killed.' Meanwhile, last week Star Jones and her husband were having sex and someone was almost killed."

"One of the horses in this weekend's Kentucky Derby is owned by Yankee boss George Steinbrenner. The horse is expected to lose and then blame the loss on pitching."

"This week, Pam Anderson announced that she has decided to move to London. In a related story, Big Ben just got bigger."

"'Star Wars' fans are accusing George Lucas of over-commercializing the latest 'Star Wars' movie by putting Yoda in a Diet Pepsi commercial and Darth Vader in a Slurpee commercial. Although the commercial they're most upset about is the super-absorbent Chewbacca tampons."

"Clay Aiken says he doesn't believe that former 'American Idol' contestant Corey Clark had sex with Paula Abdul. Aiken said, 'Corey wasn't into having sex, I asked him all the time.'" "Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, one of Michael's lawyers was overheard calling the accuser's family an anti-Mexican slur. After hearing the slur, Michael was furious and said, 'Hey, I used to be a minority.'"

"In Utah a team of engineers is trying to break the land-speed record for an electric car. It shouldn't be too hard because the current record is 3 miles an hour."

"This week, Angelina Jolie met with the Prime Minister of Pakistan as a UN ambassador, Jolie wasn't able to get money for refugees but she was able to break up the Prime Minister's marriage."

"Starbucks announced today that it will not sell Bruce Springsteen's new album, 'Devils and Dust,' because one of the songs is too graphic. Starbucks said, 'We don't want people listening to a song about getting screwed while they're paying nine dollars for a cup of coffee.'"

"Yesterday at the Michael Jackson tirial, two men testified that when they were younger Michael Jackson never touched either one of them. However, the men did say they were recently fondled by Paula Abdul."

"Corey Clark, the former "American Idol" contestant who says he slept with Paula Abdul, claims that the show's producers have smeared his name and made him hated and despised."

"This sunday is Mother's Day. This year the most popular Mother's Day gifts are: flowers, candy and a date with Ashton Kutcher."

"The final Star Wars movie, "Revenge of the Sith," opens in 12 days. That means that Star Wars fans have less than two weeks to not find a date."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...