"Elton John has announced that he will marry his longtime partner David Furnish later this year. Elton says that he realized two men could be happily married after he saw Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles."

"Over the weekend in Indianapolis more than 30,000 fans attended a Star Wars convention. Experts say it was the highest concentration of celibate men since they elected the new Pope."

"It was reported today that Paris Hilton burned herself with the exhaust from her new Ferrari. Afterwards Hilton was heard to say, 'That's hot.'"

"Star Jones's PR person reportedly quit because Star is too difficult to work with. After hearing about her PR person quitting, Star freaked out and said, 'My Prime Rib person quit?'"

"ABC announced that they are planning to launch a new reality show this summer that is described as an 'American Idol' show for dancers. Which finally answers the question, 'What's gayer than 'American Idol?'"

"This week, two of Michael Jackson's lawyers go into an embarrassing shouting match in the parking lot of the courthouse. Apparently, the two lawyers were acting so childish Michael started hitting on them."

"According to a new poll, Laura Bush's popularity rating is 80% while President Bush's rating is only at 47%. When she heard this, Laura said, 'It's just like our grades in college.'"

"Starbucks announced today that its earnings rose by $101 million dollars last quarter. A spokesman for Starbucks says the increase is due to the fact that they sold two more grande cappuccinos."

"Paula Abdul is denying a story that she tried to get one of the American Idol contestants to sleep with her. I think she's telling the truth because the contestant they're talking about is Clay Aiken."

"The company that makes Oreo Cookies announced that they've come up with a way to make Oreo Cookies less fattening. From now on, on the front of each package it will say, 'Hey Fatty, don't eat the whole bag.'"

"Earlier tonight, President Bush held a news conference. Bush discussed his plans for Social Security, the insurgency in Iraq, and why holding hands with another man doesn't mean you're gay."

"In a recent interview, Paris Hilton went on and on about how great her new boyfriend is. Paris said, "This guy is one in a million and, trust me, I know what I'm talking about."

"This weekend at a Star Wars convention fans voted and said their favorite alien life forms are Wookies. Star Wars fans said their second favorite alien life form are women."

"Its been reported that the Navajo Nations is considering a bill that outlaws gay marriage among Native Americans. This is particularly bad news for one member of the Village People."

"Yesterday Forbes Magazine released a list of the richest zip codes in the country. Once again Star Jones came in fourth."

"During testimony yesterday Michael Jackson's ex-wife said she still has a fondness for Jackson and she hopes that one day they'll be reunited. Unfortunately Michael says he's moved on and he's pretending to like other women."

"According to a new study, obesity can eventually lead to dementia. When reached for comment, Kristie Alley said, 'Squirrel, light bulb, Spaghetti O's.'"

"A group of Arab-Americans are suing Denny's because they were kicked out after the manager told them, 'We don't serve no Bin Ladens here.' I don't know where Bin Laden is hiding but if we were trying to kill him we would send him to Denny's."

"Tom Cruise admitted that he's dating actress Katie Holmes who was only 5 years old when 'Risky Business' came out. Not only that, she was only 10 when she realized 'Cocktail' is unwatchable."

"This week a car is up for sale on E-Bay that is said to be the used car of the new Pope. The surprising thing, they think the Pope rolled back the odometer."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...