"Over the weekend, Prince Charles married Camilla Parker-Bowles and Phil Collins was one of the guests. In fact, at one point, Phil Collins looked around and said 'Wow I'm the best looking person here.'"

"The College of Cardinals will soon meet to pick the next pope, and one of the front-runners is a Cardinal from Cuba. Insiders say that if he's elected, the Pope-mobile will be a 1958 Buick."

"The makers of 'Bowflex' have been ordered to pay a 1 million dollar penalty because some people were injured while using the machine. The company was shocked and said, 'You mean someone actually used their Bowflex?'"

"A company has come out with a new Breath analyzer that can tell parents if their child has been smoking pot. Apparently, you hand your child a tube and if he inhales and then passes it to you, he's smoking pot."

"A new study reports that cell phones may be ruining people's sex lives because people often stop in the middle of sex to answer a call. In fact, some people are having three-ways during three-ways."

"Yesterday, the mother of one of Michael Jackson's accusers said Jackson burst into tears and begged her to let him sleep with her song. Jackson was so upset when he heard the testimony, he burst into tears and begged to sleep with the woman's son."

"Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, the stepfather of the accuser testified that after the boy returned from Neverland he seemed to be 'brainwashed.' Afterwards Jackson said, 'I didn't brainwash him, but I did scrub him with a loofah.'"

"A British television station has announced that it is planning to make a movie about the courtship of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles. The movie is going to star Sir Ian McKlellan and Wilford Brimley."

"The producers of 'The Apprentice' are denying rumors that one of their contestants was caught doing a line of cocaine. However, they did admit that Donald Trump's hair stylist has been caught dropping acid."

"Later this month, the dress Judy Garland wore in 'The Wizard of Oz' will be auctioned off. Officials say the dress will be bought by an anonymous bidder who wishes to remain in the closet."

"This week, a medical lab accidentally sent samples of a deadly flu virus to 18 countries and if the samples aren't destroyed the virus could spread. Doctors haven't been this concerned about a virus spreading since the last Christina Aguilera tour."

"Britney Spears confirmed that she is pregnant, but insists she doesn't know the sex of her baby. Britney says the only thing she does know is that she'll name the child after SOMEONE on 'The Dukes of Hazzard.'"

"Earlier today President Bush gave a speech to the American Society of Newspaper Editors. Not surprisingly, the speech was titled, 'Thank you for Marmaduke.'"

"Earlier today, Billy Joel left the Betty Ford Center where he had checked in 30 days ago. Actually, Joel didn't check into the Betty Ford Center, he crashed into the Betty Ford Center."

"It was reported today that the cardinal most likely to become the next pop is a man named Joseph Ratzinger. I'm not positive but I think he's the guy who played Cliff Clavin on "Cheers."

"Boy George says he's upset about the mean, sexist things people say about Camilla Parker Bowles. Boy George exact quote was, "They should just leave that guy alone."

"Today is the 50th anniversary of McDonald's. To mark the occasion, this morning, Mayor McCheese had his prostate checked."

"Yesterday, former 'Webster' star Emmanuel Lewis was pulled over for speeding. The police let Lewis go after he told them he was escaping from the Neverland Ranch."

"According to a new survey, overweight men are much less likely to cheat on their wives than thin men. Apparently, when an overweight man says he's getting some on the side, he's talking about pudding."

"People in the Central Time Zone still have about 20 minutes to file their taxes. By the way, you can deduct tonight's monologue as a loss."

"Everyone's going to be fine, but this week in Florida, an 81-year-old woman test-driving a new car ran into her husband, the car salesman, another car, a tree and then into a wall. The 81-year-old said she wanted to see how the car would handle during a normal day of driving."

"Yesterday in Florida, a tornado ripped the roof off a man's home and exposed a huge marijuana operation he was growing inside his house. An hour later police found the tornado in front of the man's house eating a quart of ice cream."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...