"Sources in the Vatican say the college of Cardinals may decide to elect a black Pope. It looks like they may have already decided because this week the Popemobile was on 'Pimp My Ride.'"

"It's been reported that relationship in Michael Jackson's family have become strained and Michael has completely stopped talking to his brother Randy. However, Michael is still talking to Randy's children."

"Earlier today the oldest woman in Japan died at the age of 114. The family plans to sue the makers of the defective bungee cord."

"Ted Koppel says that since he announced he's leaving 'Nightline' he's gotten dozens of job offers. In a related story, Dan Rather says that leaving the CBS news he's gotten thousands of thank-you notes."

"It's been reported that parts of New Jersey are flooded because of heavy rainstorms. As a result, all of New Jersey now smells like wet chest-hair."

"Pfizer, the company that makes Viagra reported that profits went down 6% last year. Afterwards Pfizer said, 'I'm sorry, this has never happened before."

"President Bush flew to the Vatican today and he told reporters he had tremendous respect for Pope John Paul II. Then Bush added 'I was also a big fan of his dad Pope John Paul I.'"

"Prince Charles has postponed his wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles because it was scheduled for the same day as the Pope's funeral. When asked about it Charles said 'I don't want this traumatic event to compete with the Pope's funeral.'"

"In New York City, a Chinese delivery man was freed after being trapped in a high-rise elevator for three days. Police say during the three days he managed to stuff 1000 menus under the elevator door."

"The rapper C-Murder says his name has been hurting his chances of getting parole on murder charges so he is changing his name to C-Miller. Soon after he confessed to several millers.

"An article in the Journal of American Medical Association says doctors have discovered a new drug that helps alcoholics quit drinking. Unfortunately the drug is called heroin."

"Earlier today, the Vatican released the Pope's will to the public. The surprising thing is, he left everything to the Church of Scientology"

"Some 'Star Wars' fans trying to be first in line for the next 'Star Wars' movie started camping out in front of a theater in Hollywood, but it was the wrong theater. One 'Star Wars' fan says he hasn't been this embarrassed since he found out he was stalking the wrong girl."

"Yesterday, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, one of the co-hosts of 'The View,'had a 7lb 8oz baby. Meanwhile, Star Jones had a 7lb 8oz bagel. The she had breakfast."

"Sony has announced that it is developing a television that allows viewers to smell what is on the screen. In a related story, the Matlock reunion show has been canceled."

"In England, a reporter who said he was testing security before Prince Charles and Camilla's wedding tried to sneak a fake bomb into Windsor Castle. Fortunately, the bomb was sniffed out by Camilla Parker Bowles."

"When President Bush was shown on the giant TV screens during the Pope's funeral, the crowd started booing. When President Bush heard this he asked, 'What does 'Boo' mean in Italian?"

"Later this month when the College of Cardinals selects the next Pope they'll announce their decision with a puff of white smoke. Not surprisingly, this rule was first instituted by his holiness Pope Snoop Dogg I."

"Executives at the FOX News Channel announced they're going to start a Fox News Financial Channel. The Fox News Financial channel will be different because whenever the stock market goes down they'll blame it on Hillary Clinton.

"It's been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger's approval rating has dropped from 59 percent t 43 percent. Or as Arnold explains it, he's dropped from 'Terminator' to 'Jingle All the Way."

"Tomorrow morning Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles will finally get married. And tomorrow night, millions of British subjects will try no to imagine them having sex."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...