"Yesterday the Judge in the Michael Jackson case ruled that the jury can hear allegations against Michael form his former accusers. Which is good news for those of you who want to see what the cast of the 'Goonies' looks like now."

"Yesterday Michael Jackson said people are attacking him because he's black and then he compared himself to Nelson Mandela. After hearing this, Mandela called Jackson and said, 'Don't make me put my foot up your ass.'"

"This week, Burger King announced that it is coming out with an omelet sandwich that has 730 calories and 49 grams of fat and more than 400 milligrams of cholesterol. The sandwich is part of Burger King's new Die Happy Meal."

"Its been reported that more and more companies have been seeking older workers because they have a low job turnover rate. Among the companies hiring retirees are Home Depot, Wal-mart, and unfortunately Hooters."

"Carrie Fischer, who played Princess Leia in the original 'Star Wars' movies, says she's going to write a tell-all book about all the sex that took place on the set. She's also going to write a companion book for 'Star Wars' fans that explain what sex is."

"Yesterday, the national director of the Boy Scouts of America was arrested on child pornography charges. Apparently, police became suspicious when they noticed he was the national director of the Boy Scouts of America."

"In a speech yesterday, First Lady Laura Bush said that every American should have a living will. After hearing this, M.C. Hammer said, 'Hell, I don't have a living room.'"

"It was a bad day for Michael Jackson because new audiotapes have emerged where Jackson says he didn't lose his virginity until he was age 32. On the bright side, Jackson's been named an honorary Trekkie."

"Today is Celine Dion's 37th birthday. As usual, Dion plans to celebrate it by ruining "'Happy Birthday.'"

"Martha Stewart has been complaining that her electronic ankle bracelet has given her a rash. After hearing this, Parish Hilton said, 'You mean I've been wearing an electronic ankle bracelet?'"

"This week, the rapper C-Murder asked a judge to overturn his conviction for murder. Reportedly, the rapper told the judge, 'I'm not asking for me, I'm asking for C-Murder, Jr.'"

"Ted Koppel has announced he will retire from 'Nightline' when his contract expires. As a result, I am now the man with the weirdest hair on television."

"Yesterday, President Bush told reporters that even though his social security plan has caused his popularity to drop he 'remains undeterred.' Then he started giggling and added, 'I said 'turd'."

"It's been reported that Ashton Kutcher has given Demi Moore and emerald and diamond bracelet worth $300,000. Afterwards, Demi Moore said, 'I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance.'"

"Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne were forced out of bed in their mansion in England last night after heat from living room fireplace started a blaze. Ozzie was stunned and confused, and then the fire started."

"42.56% of women say they are more affectionate with their pets than they are with their partner. Which explains why Paris Hilton's dog has to get so many shots."

"In Belgium, government officials had to apologize because they recently compared President Bush's face to a chimp's. The weird thing is they apologized to the chimp."

"Some sad news, yesterday, Frank Perdue of the Perdue Chicken Company passed away. Reportedly, the only person responsible for the deaths of more chickens is Kirstie Alley."

"A woman who won the Miss Wheelchair Wisconsin pageant has been stripped of her title because she was photographed standing up. Even worse, she was standing in front of a urinal."

"Supporters of Michael Jackson built a pinata in the shape of Santa Barbara DA Tom Sneddon and plan to hit it with sticks. Which is ironic, because whacking a little man is what got Jackson in trouble in the first place."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...