Yesterday Michael Jackson showed up late again to his trial and then broke down crying. In fact, people close to Michael say he hasn't been this upset since they canceled 'The Wonder Years.'"

"The 'New York Post' says that Chelsea Clinton got so drunk the other night at a New York bar that she had to be helped outside by the bouncer. Afterwards Chelsea said, 'I'm sorry, but I'm really competitive with the Bush Twins.'"

"In Wisconsin a 63 year old man was charged with sexual gratification with an animal for allegedly having sex with cows. If convicted, the Wisconsin man could be deported to West Virginia."

"It was reported today that Star Jones' husband Al Reynolds recently quit his job. When ask why, Reynolds said, 'Cause when I bring home the bacon I don't get to have any.'"

"According to the New York Post, the manager of the Village People is trying to recreate the band's image so they can appear less gay. Apparently he's going to do this by changing their name to 'Not the Village People.'"

"This week at the Michael Jackson trial, Michael has a sore back so to be more comfortable he's been resting on an orthopedic pillow. And to make himself even more comfortable Michael has been dressing the pillow up in a Cub Scout uniform."

"According to USA Today, Randy, Germaine, and Tito Jackson have been showing up everyday at the Michael Jackson trial, but Janet Jackson hasn't. Apparently, it has something to do with Janet having a job."

"It was reported today the United States Marine Corps is having difficulty meeting their recruiting quotas. In fact, their new slogan is 'The Few, The Fewer, The Marines."

"The other day, Luciano Pavarotti went to the hospital for surgery on his neck. The doctors say the hardest part of the surgery was finding Pavarotti's neck."

"The British government says that despite what has been reported Camilla Parker Boles will be eligible to become Queen when she marries Prince Charles. This puts Camilla third in line to be Queen behind George Michael and Elton John."

"It's been reported that Arnold Schwarzenegger may go on trial this year for groping a reporter's breast. When asked about it, Arnold said, 'I didn't want to but Barabara Walters kept insisting.'"

"Yesterday at his ranch in Texas, President Bush met with Mexican President Vicente Fox. There was an awkward moment when the President asked the Mexican President, 'How did you sneak in here?"

"People' and 'Star' magazines are both working on stories their claim Britney Spears is pregnant. Which means. Britney's husband might have finally gotten off the couch and done something.'"

"Adidas announced that it has created a computerized 'Smart-shoe' that costs $250. Not surprisingly, the shoe is so smart that it's never paid $250 for a shoe."

"Today is Star Jones' birthday. Reportedly, Star celebrated by having lunch with a small group of friends who haven't been seen since"

"Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, Jurors were shown a porno magazine taken from the Neverland Ranch called, 'Over 50.' When asked why he bought the magazine, Michael said, 'I thought they meant months.'"

"It's been reported that if Michael Jackson is acquitted he may sign a deal to perform at a casino in Las Vegas. Apparently, Michael is interested because unlike the Neverland Ranch, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

"India is upset with President Bush because Bush has agreed to sell F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan. This could cause a problem because India says if the sale goes through they will stop answering our computer questions."

"Here in New York, federal agents busted a $12-million dollar marijuana operation that was operating across the street from a public school. Police became suspicious when the school's bake sale raised $40 million dollars."

"Director George Lucas said that people should not bring kids to the newest Star Wars movie. After hearing this, Star Wars fans said, "Kids? We've never even had girlfriends."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...