"Martha Stewart says she's going to increase magazine sales by focusing less on the how-to and more on the why. Martha says if that doesn't work she'll start writing lesbo prison stories."

"'Fat Actress' star Kirstie Alley announced that every time she strays from her diet she donates $100 to her favorite charity. As a result 3 diseases have been completely eradicated."

"In a recent interview, James Brown said that he's not going to retire because he says in the music business 'I'm like Moses.' According to the Bible, Moses waived a gun at his wife and ran away from police in his bikini underwear."

"In a new interview, Britney Spears says that about three weeks into her marriage to Kevin Federline they hit a rough patch. It was pretty bad because when they hit the rough patch their trailer skidded out of control?"

"The other day at the Michael Jackson trial, it was revealed that one of the items in Michael's bedroom is a life size replica of C3PO from Star Wars. Jackson's C3PO looks just like the one in the movie except his is bent over at the waist"

"Dan Rather says that now the he stepped down as anchor on the CBS evening news, he wants to spend more time with his grandchildren. Unfortunately, his grandchildren would rather hang out with Peter Jennings."

"Yesterday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger impressed a crowd in Washington because he gave a 40 minute speech without any notes. When asked what Arnold spoke about, the crowd said, 'How the hell should we know?'"

"This week, a New Jersey casino announced that they are going to start imposing a dress code for their customers. From now on, the top of the tracksuit had to match the bottom."

"Former Backstreet Boys singer Nick Carter was charged Tuesday with drunken driving. As a result, the pizza he was delivering did not arrive on time."

"Some reporters are comparing now Michael Jackson to Martha Stewart by saying that if he's acquitted, he will comeback bigger than ever. Of course, the main reason they're comparing Michael to Martha is because they're both successful white women."

"Earlier today in Los Angeles, Michael Jackson showed up really late to court because he claims he has a sore back. When asked about it, Michael said, 'Sorry, I slept on a really lumpy 12-year old.'"

"Earlier today, Michael Jackson appeared in court wearing pajama bottoms. Because if there's one thing you want to wear to a molestation trial, it's pajama bottoms."

"Ozzy Osbourne announced he recently has a facelift. The operation began at noon and the anesthesia was administered starting in 1972."

"An old girlfriend of Britney Spear's husband Kevin Federline says that he has terrible hygiene and smells bad. In response, Federline said, 'My deodorant doesn't work and neither do I.'"

"J Lo's husband Marc Anthony says he has painted a full-size nude oil painting of J. Lo. Marc said he used brushes for the top half and a roller for the bottom half."

"Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, there was testimony from the accuser's younger brother. As a result, Michael was furious saying, 'No one told me he had a younger brother.'"

"Yesterday, former President Clinton underwent surgery and he is expected to make a full recovery. In fact, Clinton's doctor said, 'He should be up and sneaking around in no time.'"

"It was reported today that the inmate who knitted the poncho that Martha Stewart has been wearing is a cocaine dealer and a crack addict. Which explains why it only took her 20 minutes to knit the poncho."

"Earlier today, McDonalds announced they are planning to outsource the jobs of their drive-thru employees to call centers in India. Which is good news for those who though the current loudspeaker was too easy to understand."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...