"The other day, a computer hacker got access to Paris Hilton's cell phone and posted hundreds of Paris' phone numbers and photos on the Internet. Afterwards, Paris said, 'I haven't felt this violated in almost 2 days.'"

"In a speech today, President Bush said that he has no plans to attack Iran. The President sad, 'That's ridiculous, we didn't even have plans when we attacked Iraq.'"

"Over the weekend, Senator Hillary Clinton visited Iraq to boost morale. Apparently it worked because former President Clinton has never been in a better mood."

"In Washington State, a 96-year-old man celebrated his birthday by skydiving from an airplane. Afterwards, the man said 'I didn't mean to jump I thought that was the airplane bathroom.'"

"This week, social workers in England locked up an extremely overweight man because nobody could stop him from eating. The bad news is his cellmate is now missing."

"Earlier today, the jury for the Michael Jackson trial was selected and 2/3 of the jurors are female. So Michael should get a fair trial since he's also 2/3rds female."

"President Bush tried to downplay all the talk about using military action against Iran by saying, 'Iran is not Iraq.' Then the president said, 'Or is it?'"

"The E! Network is upset because this year at the Grammys, the ratings for Star Jones' red-carpet coverage were 40 percent lower than last year. Not only that, thanks to Star the red carpet was 40 percent lower."

"In Milford, Nebraska, a 2,000-ton manure fire that had been burning for four months finally burned itself out. As a result, the town retired their slogan, 'Milford: a great place to see burning crap.'"

"Reporters asked Paris Hilton about the phone numbers that were stolen from her electronic organizer and she said, 'I feel horrible that, once again, someone has invaded my privacy.' Then Hilton said, 'By the way, does anyone want to see my crotch?'

"One of the jurors chosen for the Michael Jackson trial is an 81-year-old woman who says she never read newspapers or watches TV. Apparently she's telling the truth because at one point she said, 'who's the freak in the generals uniform?'"

"Two days until the Oscars and in Hollywood they are getting ready, hammering, sawing, scraping. And that's just Joan River's face."

"'Fitness' magazine has come out with a list of the healthiest foods to eat at McDonalds. Number one on the list is a stack of napkins."

"In New Jersey, three mayors have been arrested by the FBI and accused of taking bribes. If convicted they could be given 15 years in prison or 20 years in New Jersey"

"Fans of 'American Idol' are upset with Ryan Seacrest because they say he's mean to contestants who are kicked off the show. When asked about it, a spokesman for Seacrest said, 'Oh my God, I'm a spokesman for Ryan Seacrest!'"

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...