"In a new book, a top presidential historian ranks President Harding as the 'dumbest president of all-time.' After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Tonya Harding was president?'"

"It turns out he just has the flu but earlier today in Los Angeles, Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital. They could tell it was an emergency because he was looking pale, even for Michael Jackson."

"This week Mattel announced plans to create a Lindsay Lohan Barbie Doll. The company will market the doll to girls between 7 and 12 and creepy guys between 45 and 50."

"A New Jersey man has filed a false advertising lawsuit against a maker of herbal penis enlargement pills, saying the pills don't work. Apparently the man dropped the lawsuit when he realized he was suppose to put the pills in his mouth."

"Yesterday, a painting of dogs playing poker, sold at an auction for $600,000 dollars. No word yet about where exactly it will hang in the White House."

"This Week, the White House announced that Dick Cheney's daughter Elizabeth has been appointed as a diplomat for U.S. mission to the Middle East and told them, 'Don't worry, she's the straight one.'" "This week the US Navy launched a nuclear submarine named after Jimmy Carter. Experts say the sub will be ineffective for four years but tremendously respected once it's retired."

"Earlier this week on Valentine's Day, former President Clinton and Hillary were spotted holding hands at a Washington D.C. restaurant. Hillary said, 'we weren't holding hands, we were arm wrestling and I won.'"

"The airline Air-Tran announced plans to pain Elton Johns picture on the side of some of their plans. Air-Tran says that the Elton John planes will be like other aircrafts, except passengers will board through the rear."

"This week, the city of New York announce it has trademarked a new slogan for the city: 'New York, the World's Second Home.' This narrowly beat out the second place slogan, 'Welcome to New York, now shut your pie-hole.'"

"Yesterday, the National Hockey League announced that it is officially canceling its entire season. So now if you want to see a bunch of toothless guys fighting, you'll have to watch Jerry Springer."

"This week, 'American Idol: The Magazine' was introduced and the first issue features a lengthy story on host Ryan Seacrest. Apparently, the Seacrest article answers all the questions no one has."

"Paramount announced that they are canceling the 'Star Trek' show, 'Enterprise,' so angry Trekkies are planning a rally outside the studio. The rally will be held on a Saturday because no one has plans."

"A prominent Democrat said in a speech yesterday that Hillary Clinton shouldn't run for president because 'she can't win.' Immediately after the speech, Hillary told her husband to shut up."

"Queen Elizabeth has forbidden Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles to have sex before their wedding. Not only that, the public has asked that they not have sex after the wedding."

"'Sports Illustrated' is offering supermodel trading cards of their swimsuit models. If you collect the whole set, you are a very sad person."

"Happy Birthday to Paris Hilton. Friends say she's 24 years old, but she has the knees of an 80-year-old."

"'Star Trek' fans are planning to stage a rally outside Paramount studios because they're upset the studio canceled the Star Trek show 'Enterprise.' Police say if the Trekkies become unruly, they'll use tear gas or release a woman into the crowd."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...