"President Bush unveiled his new budget proposals yesterday and they call for eliminating money for Amtrak. Or as Bush explained it 'Choo-choos go bye-bye.'"

"The Philadelphia Eagles say their quarterback Donovan McNabb was so ill during the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl that he almost threw up. Actually McNabb did throw up, but it was intercepted by New England."

"Next week, Ashlee Simpson is launching her tour. When asked about it, Ashlee said, 'Luckily if I'm late, they can always start without me.'"

"The U.S. Army announced that their soldiers mew uniforms will be more expensive, fancier, and even feature easy to open Velcro. So apparently, they're relaxing that whole 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' thing."

"In a new interview, Vanilla Ice says he thinks people will still remember his song 'Ice Ice Baby' when they're 90 years old. That interview appeared in "Deluded Moron magazine."

"This week in Atlanta, a man was arrested after he tried to visit a friend in prison with a loaded pistol hidden in his read end. Apparently two people were almost shot when someone pulled his finger."

"In his new book, baseball slugger Jose Canseco said he took steroids when he played for the Texas Rangers and that owner George W. Bush knew all about it. In response President Bush said 'That's ridiculous. I've never known all about anything.'"

"This year at the Oscars, Halle Berry will wear a pair of shoes worth $1 million dollars. Which is odd because no one has ever looked at Halle Berry's feet."

"White Castle announced they are taking reservations for Valentine's Day and that they'll treat couples to a candlelight dinner. It's being described as the perfect was to say, 'I don't love you.'"

"In a recent interview, actor Corey Feldman says his childhood relationship with Michael Jackson may not have been so innocent. Even more shocking, someone recently interviewed Corey Feldman."

"The airline Air Tran announced plans to paint Elton John's picture on the side of some of their airplanes. In a related story, Melissa Etheridge's face will appear on some planes from AerLingus."

"This week in Washington, a fake journalist was able to obtain reporter's credentials from the White House and ask President Bush a question. Luckily, someone quickly recognized Geraldo and got him out of there."

"Yesterday, Secretary of Sate Condoleezza Rice told reporters that she's always loved Beethoven. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'What a coincidence, that's my favorite movie too."

"This week, the first Taco Bell opened in Iraq. So now Iraq does have weapons of mass destruction."

"TV critics say that because it's February sweeps the networks are working several lesbian plot lines into their shows. The disturbing part is, one of those shows is "The View."

"The 'E' Channel has hired an actor to play Michael Jackson in the upcoming courtroom re-enactment of Jackson's trial. Not only that, the actor playing Tito makes more money than Tito."

"Ashlee Simpson announced she will host a benefit auction to help disaster victims. The Auction will benefit anyone who's bought tickets to one of her concerts."

"This week, the president of General Motors was forced to recall over 100,000 hummers. Experts sat the only person able to recall more hummers is Paris Hilton."

"The Grammy Awards are coming up this Sunday, and President Clinton is nominated for Best Spoken Word Album. Not surprisingly, the word is 'Booby.'"

"The most popular gift received on Valentine Day is a box of chocolates. Unless you're Ruben Studdard girlfriend-then you get the box the chocolates came in."

"This week in London, a couple was cleaning out a drawer and they found a lottery ticket worth $6 million. The British couple said, 'We never go in that drawer, that's where we keep our toothbrush.'"

"In a recent interview, Paris Hilton sad that she doesn't do anything more that kiss on the first date. Then Paris added, 'Unless you count humping.'"

"In his new memoirs, baseball slugger Jose Canseco says he introduced steroids into baseball and that he personally injected Jason Giambi in the butt. He also said he gave Giambi steroids."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...