"The other day, Star Jones' husband Al Reynolds was spotted buying extra-large panty hose. After hearing about it, Star said, 'You mean he's cheating on me with some skinny bitch?'"

"It's been reported that Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is writing a book about her relationship with her father. It's called, 'Why I Never Got Close to Dick.'"

"Michael Jackson showed up for court yesterday wearing an all white suit. Apparently the suit used to be black but Jackson had it surgically altered."

"The turnout for the election in Iraq was higher than expected with 60% of Iraqis casting a vote. President Bush said, 'Don't worry, once they've been a democracy for a few years that should drop down to around 40% like us.'"

"Yesterday in New York, a doctor had to attend to Senator Hillary Clinton after she fainted. Apparently, Hillary fainted after she came home and found her husband alone."

"This week, the Mayor of Baghdad said he'd like to erect a statue of President Bush in the middle of the city. Then the Mayor of Baghdad said, 'Unfortunately, there no longer is a middle of the city.'"

"Historians say that most presidents begin their State of the Union address by saying 'the state of the union is strong.' President Bush started his speech a bit different, he said, 'the state of the union is strong-tastic.'"

"Yesterday on 'Good Morning America,' First Lady Laura Bush said that Jenna Bush's new boyfriend is 'not a serious boyfriend.' Laura Bush described him as 'More of a drinking buddy.'"

"CBS has announced that they will temporarily replace 72-year-old Dan Rather with 67-year-old Bob Schieffer. It's all part of CBS' effort to attract younger viewers."

"Yankee legend Yogi Berra has filed a $10 million lawsuit against TBS because in a recent promo they refer to Yogi Berra having sex. Actually, the people who should sue are those who now have that image stuck in their head."

"In a recent interview, Michael Jackson's father Joe says that all of his son's problems are the result of racism. Joe Jackson added, 'Let's face it, America hates white people.'"

"The Super Bowl is this Sunday, and this year, for the first time ever, the game will be shown in China. Officials say it's a chance for the people who make the jerseys to see where they end up."

"Today the White House chef announced that he's quitting his job. When asked why, the chef said, 'After a while, you get sick of making Spaghetti O's.'"

"It's been reported that Martha Stewart is conducting business over the prison telephone by speaking in code. According to the code, 'Just do as I say, you worthless idiot' stands for 'Just do as I say, you worthless idiot.'

"According to 'Access Hollywood' Paris Hilton has launched her own brand of perfume. The scent is a combination of sandalwood, orange blossom and the Philadelphia Eagles."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...