"According to the tabloids, the reason that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston broke up is that one of them wanted to have kids--which is the same reason the Jackson 5 broke up."

"In a recent interview, Donald Trump admitted that the diamond ring he plans to give his fiancée, he got for free. Apparently, the jeweler gave Trump the ring for free because he knows he'll get it back in a few months."

"Motley Crue singer, Vince Neil got married over the weekend and the minister was MC Hammer. The wedding was held in Hammer's home, so in other words it was an outdoor wedding."

"President Bush announced today that he wanted to institute a test to ensure that high school students are reading at their grade level. Bush said the program is necessary because many students aren't reading at their grade level, they're reading at Presidential level."

"According to a brand new scientific study that just came out; more than 90% of diet plans used by Americans do not work. The American scientists conducted the study by looking out the window."

"Last night was the final episode of the weight loss show 'The Biggest Loser' and the winner was a guy from Spokane, Washington. While appearing on the show, the guy lost 122 pounds, 18 inches on his waistline, and all of his dignity."

"This week, Britney Spears wrote a letter to Christina Aguilera, in which she says she wants to end their ongoing feud. I'm not sure Britney's letter is going to work because it starts out, 'Dear Skank.'"

"The New York Post reports that Donald Trump invited both his ex-wives to his latest wedding this month, but they turned him down. The ex-wives say they're too busy to go to this one, but will be happy to go to Trump's next wedding."

"In a recent interview, Star Jones says that her extravagant wedding was 'for the 8-year-old in me.' Then Jones admitted she'd also eaten a 9-year-old and a 10-year-old."

"The White House announced that Ruben Studdard will be performing at one of President Bush's Inaugural celebrations. Republicans say they chose Studdard because he's one of the Red States."

"Courtney Love is selling her Manhattan apartment for 6 million dollars. Actually, she's giving the apartment away for free, but it will cost 6 million dollars to clean it."

"Major league baseball announced today that it is instituting tougher steroid testing. For the first offense, players will receive a 10-game suspension and for repeated offenses players will receive a batting championship."

"Sharon Osbourne says she's going to make a movie about her family's life, but she's having trouble finding a person to play Ozzy. Not only that, Sharon says she's having trouble finding Ozzy."

"Prince Charles is upset at the press' reaction to his son wearing a Nazi uniform because Charles thinks it was just a 'silly prank.' Prince Charles says his favorite prank of all time was when Hitler 'Punk'd' Poland."

"It's been reported that both John Kerry and Al Gore want to run for the Democratic presidential nomination in 2008. Senator Hillary Clinton is furious saying, 'It's my turn to lose.'"

"President Bush's inauguration will cost 40 million dollars due in part to the huge security force. Security personnel will be on hand to keep people away from President Bush and to keep Dick Cheney away from the scallops wrapped in bacon."

"It's been reported that the pentagon tried to develop a weapon that would provoke homosexual behavior among enemy troops. Apparently the weapon is a cast album from the show, 'Rent.'"

"The Golden Globe awards are Sunday night and this year from 6 to 8, Star Jones will be on the Red Carpet. Then from 8 to 6 Star will be at the Red Lobster."

Have a look back on Conan classic lines...