"According to the White House, while President Bush was spending the holidays at his Texas ranch he was clearing brush and a tree branch cut his face. As a result, the tree was cut down and tortured by Dick Cheney."

"Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff has agreed to cooperate with federal prosecutors and he could name up to 20 Congressmen. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That's amazing, I can only name three Congressmen.'"

"Donald Trump is reportedly considering running for President in 2008. Trump said he'll choose a running mate and then dump her for a younger, hotter running mate."

"For the first time in more than 50 years, it rained in Pasadena on the day of the Rose Bowl Parade. Fortunately officials were able to keep the parade route dry by dragging the SpongeBob float back and forth."

"'Dirty Dancing' star Patrick Swayze has announced that he's working on a rap album. Industry experts say it's important Swayze does the album now - while he's hot."

"Earlier this evening, ABC's 'World News Tonight' debuted its new dual-anchor format. In a related story, 'Geraldo at Large' is sticking with its single-douchebag format."

"Earlier today, the American Bar Association gave Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito their highest rating. President Bush gave Alito his highest rating, too, because he called him 'Super' and 'Duper.'"

"The election in Iraq was three weeks ago, and officials are saying it's going to be another two weeks before they announce who won. The odd part is, the winner will be announced by Ryan Seacrest."

"Last night in triple overtime, the Orange Bowl was won by Penn State, coached by Joe Paterno, who's 79 years old. Apparently, Paterno was thrilled when his team woke him up to tell him about it."

"New Jersey's having a contest for a new state motto. One of the finalists is 'New Jersey, Come See for Yourself.' Apparently, this narrowly beat out 'New Jersey, Come Smell for Yourself.'"

"Kevin Federline has launched his own Web site so that people can get to know him better. Federline is excited about the site and calls it a 'a new high-tech way to hate me.'"

"Star Jones was recently photographed sunbathing on the beach in a bikini, reading a self-help book. The self-help book is called 'Star Jones - Don't Wear a Bikini.'"

"The state of Rhode Island became the 11th state to legalize medical marijuana. As a result, they're changing the name of the their state to 'Rhodizzle Iszizzle.'"

"It's been reported that New York Jets coach Herman Edwards is planning to quit. This comes as a shock to the fans who had no idea the Jets had a coach."

"According to MSNBC, Tom Cruise spent the holidays with Katie Holmes' family, but it didn't go well. Apparently, Katie's Dad told Tom, 'I don't care what you do at your house, but under my roof, you're going to sleep in the same bedroom.'"

"Earlier today, actor Nick Nolte successfully completed the three years of probation he received for driving under the influence of drugs. The bad news is he'll be celebrating tonight on the Santa Monica freeway."

"Paris Hilton's in a lot of trouble after she allegedly called someone 'lazy Mexican.' Paris said, 'I'm sorry, when I said that I was drunker than an Irishman.'"

"A hotel manager in Orlando is in trouble because he booked a swingers convention at one of Disney's family hotels. In a related story, the Little Mermaid has crabs."

"In a speech this week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he wants to spend $70 billion to repair the state's infrastructure. The speech was well-received mainly because people enjoy hearing Arnold try to pronounce the word 'infrastructure.'"

"The Washington Post reports that Vice President Dick Cheney is limping because he injured his foot. Cheney said, 'If you think my foot looks bad, you should see the old lady I was kicking.'"

"Earlier tonight, NBC launched a controversial show called 'The Book of Daniel' about a man who regularly talks to Jesus. Apparently the character is an NBC executive and he keeps saying, 'Jesus, we need a hit.'"

"This week the Olsen twins announced that they're coming out with their own line of home furnishings. The twins say they got the idea because people are always mistaking them for floor lamps."

"In her latest book, Star Jones said that she and her husband Al Reynolds were celibate before they got married. Or as Al Reynolds calls it, 'The Good Old Days.'"


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