Quotables for the week of March 7 - March 11, 2006
"Many New Yorkers are upset because the company that owns Madison Square Garden has proposed tearing the Garden down and building a new one. The good news is they're going to tear it down during a Knicks game."
"The other day, New Age musician Yanni was arrested for fighting with his girlfriend. Not to be outdone, John Tesh and Kenny G have gone on a killing spree."
"Oscar winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman is reportedly embarrassed because while accepting his Best Actor Award, he forgot to thank his girlfriend. When asked about it, Hoffman said, 'I'd gotten so used to being Truman Capote, I forgot I had a girlfriend.'"
"According to the tabloids, Kevin Federline recently ordered a wait staff at a restaurant to keep the dessert cart away from his wife Britney Spears. Apparently, the only thing with wheels he'll let Britney get near is their house."
"Yesterday while appearing on 'The View,' Donald Trump said if his 25-year-old daughter Ivanka wasn't his child, he would date her. Meanwhile, Ivanka said if Donald Trump wasn't her father, she would mace him."
"Earlier today, President Bush flew to New Orleans. There was an awkward moment when the President looked around and said, 'Oh, my God, what the hell happened here?'"
"A new book is coming out about Barry Bonds' alleged steroid use and one of the steroids the book accuses Bonds of using is normally given to cattle. When reached for comment, Bonds said, 'Moo.'"
"It's been reported that Vice President Dick Cheney is donating more than two million dollars to the cardiology center that treats him. Actually, in Cheney's case it's not really a donation, it's more of an advance."
"According to 'The Washington Post,' newly retired Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has been offered eight million dollars to write a book. Finally -- a book that captures the romance and excitement of an old man talking about interest rates."
"It's been reported that the staff at the Vatican recently gave Pope Benedict an iPod, and that he really enjoys listening to it. Officials say the most recent song he downloaded was 'It's Hard out Here for a Pope.'"
"Yesterday Bobby Brown was pulled over in his car after police ran a check on his license plates. Brown said, 'Nothing's wrong with those license plates, I made them themselves.'"
"Last night, President Bush flew back to the White House from New Orleans. When asked about it, the President said, 'I had to get out of there, those levees don't look very safe.'"
"Today David Hasselhoff pleaded 'no contest' to a charge of driving under the influence of alcohol. Police suspected Hasselhoff was driving under the influence because his talking car was slurring its words."
"The other day at a California hospital, the chief of neurosurgery was arrested because he tried to operate on a man's spine while he was drunk. Nurses became suspicious when the doctor said, 'Nurse, hand me my scalpel -- and a 40-ounce Budweiser.'"
"Yesterday, Pope Benedict issued a statement where he said, 'Computer technology is the future.' Then he swept aside a curtain and said, 'Behold -- the Commodore 64!'"
"The producers of 'Sesame Street' say they have decided not to ask Russell Crowe to appear on the show because they don't think he's a good role model. Crowe is upset because he really wanted to host the episode sponsored by the letters 'F' and 'U.'"
Have a look back on Conan classic lines...
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