"George W. Bush will alienate voters when he sues the New York Times for calling him an incumbent."
"While still recovering from the affects of anesthesia, a delirious Bill Clinton will admit that he once had sex with Hilary."
"A rolling stone will actually gather moss, when Kieth Richards passes out in a garden supply store."
"Star Jones announces that she is suffering from anorexia, which she contracted by eating Mary-Kate Olsen."
"Strapped for cash, Tito Jackson will disguise himself as a 12-year-old boy and demand a 2 million dollar payoff from his brother Michael."
"Pixar will anger many of the fans of their Toy Story movies when they release Toy Story 3: Buzz and Woody's Gay Vacation."
"After their successful week in New York, the Republican party chooses an even more suprising location to hold their next national convetion: Michael Moore's ass."
"The former side kick of 'Late Night with Conan O'Brian', who returned to help out with The Year 2.000 comedy piece, realized that the year 2.000 was actually 4 years ago and rememberd why he left this crappy show."
"Michael Jackson's son, Prince Michael II will write a memoir in which he wistfully recalls that one glorious moment on the balcony when he nearly escaped."
"Christian fundamentalists will briefly reconsider their views on homosexuality when they find a bunch of misprinted bibles, that actually do say 'Adam and Steve.'"
"UN weapons inspectors in Iraq will make a most horrific discovery beneath one of Saddam's palaces. Master tapes for a new Spin Doctors album."
"The world will bid a fond farewell to one of its favorite and most beloved entertainers when Bill Maher gets drunk at a party, gets behind the wheel of his car, and runs over Angela Lansbury."
"We will finally learn what makes French vanilla ice cream different from regular vanilla ice cream- cowardice."
"Chemists will discover what makes simple sugars simple. Their parents were brother and sister."
"When a cruise ship sinks in the Bahamas, Leeza Gibbons will be forced to choose between saving a hundred children or actor Matthew Perry. Later she will send a letter to the grieving parents which will begin, 'Buckle up for another season of 'Friends'."
"Ball park franks will no longer plump when you cook 'em, but rather, moan when you suck 'em."
"New Yorkers will burn the New York Post headquarters to the ground when a picture of Cuba Gooding Jr. holding a rabbit appears on page 6 without the caption 'Show me the bunny'."
"People will automatically smile for pictures when photographers develop a flash that emits not only a sudden burst of light, but also the sound of Barbra Streisand being mauled by a bear."
