"John Kerry will win the Presidential election. He will spend the first three days in the Oval office scraping Pokemon stickers off the desk."
"Women will stop buying tea kettles when kettles stop merely whistling, and start yelling 'nice ass.'"
"Tony Danza will be shot into space. NASA will give no explanation, and no explanation will be needed."
The US Olympic basketball team will make people forget their horrible performance in the Olympics with their even worse performance of Arthur Miller's 'Death of a Salesman.'"
"Colgate will escalate the tooth whitening craze by introducing a product that makes teeth so white and so bright, that when you look at someone's smile you will be able to see dead relatives welcoming you to heaven."
"Unable to bear the guilt any longer, Oprah Winfrey confesses that she carjacked the 276 cars that she gave away to her audience, then she leads police to her shallow mass grave."
"Matadors will discover that the only reason bulls tried to attack them is because of their gay little outfits."
"After being pummeled by four hurricanes, Florida will declare that it no longer has the resources to keep black people off the voting rolls."
"Michael Moore will become President of the United States with the campaign slogan, 'Vote for me or I swear to God, I'll take off my shirt.'"
"Statues of Conan O' Brien will be unveiled all over Ireland when farmers discover how much the statues scare crows."
"Seattle outfielder Ichiro Suzuki will get 280 hits in a single season, beating George Sisler's record with the St. Louis Browns, and Bobby Brown's record with Whitney Houston."
"CBS will face its biggest embarrassment yet, when Dan Rather whips out his johnson during the Super Bowl halftime show."
