"Male doctors will no longer be allowed to become gynecologists when a group of them are caught high-fiving at a convention."

"Tired of being referred to simply as drunks, Irish Americans will legally change their name to Drunken Americans."

"Louis Anderson publicly converts to atheism when for the third day in a row his bag of Cheetos gets stuck on a vending machine."

"The answer to the question 'is there life after death' will finally be answered when the corpse of Winston Churchill holds a press conference and says 'no'."

"Sales of Izod shirts will decline dramatically, when it is revealed the alligator has a small child in it's mouth."

"It will be revealed that carrots do not actually improve your eyesight, but they are still number one when it comes to scratching a deep, rectal itch."

"The French Riviera will be completely abandoned after its name is changed to The Geraldo Riviera."

"A woman will play and win a tournament for the PGA. When the PGA stands for Poontang Golfers Association."

"The New York Knicks and N' Sync will sue each other, each claiming it was their idea to be five guys who suck."

"Conan O'Brien will beat out Jim Carrey for the lead role in The Mask part II. I'm sorry, did I say the The Mask part II? I meant Mask part II- the Rocky Dennis story."

"Jim Carrey will commit his first murder of a fan after someone who just saw Bruce Almighty approaches Carrey and says 'Almighty then!"