"To research my role as a gay reporter in the movie In and Out I talked to a bunch of real gay reporters. Most of them were really helpful too, except for one guy who kept rubbing my leg. I won't name any names, but his name rhymes with Blandy Rooney."
"Ladies, I'm still looking for Mrs. Baseball."
"When young actors ask me for advice, I tell them acting isn't brain surgery. But when young brain surgeons ask me for advice I tell them, 'If you avoid penetrating the medulla, the patient's serotonin levels will have a better chance of remaining stable.'"
"I was originally supposed to be Indiana Jones, but I couldn't get out of my Magnum PI contract. That same year, I also had to turn down the part of Marcia's fianceé in The Brady Brides. Damn you Magnum!"
"Magnum PI was originally set in Michigan, and then at the last minute they changed it to Hawaii. No one told me. I looked like an ass in that tiger's hat."
"I was pretty upset when I found out that someone made a porno version of my movie Quigley Down Under. I was even more upset when I found out that they hadn't changed the name."
When my agent showed me the script for Three Men and a Little Lady I immediately told them I would do it. For one reason, I can't read."
