| How to Get an Agent and Survive in Hollywood! |
- For headshots, bigger is better. I can't tell the difference between all these regular-sized pictures I get. If you're an actor, send me something big, something poster-sized. Then we'll talk.
- Lie. Nobody is going to check the facts on your resume. If you're 5'9" in real life, say you're 6'2". Your real name is Paul? Say you're Jerry Seinfeld.
- Never tell your age. An actor is timeless. Once, I got a sixty-year-old man the lead role in a teen movie because he refused to tell his age. That man was Seann William Scott.
- Network. It is very important for you to make contacts around town because there will inevitably be people I have forgotten to sleep with for you.
- One thing to remember: I am the best. If I won't be your agent, you'll probably amount to a big pile of cow crap.
- No trucker hats or wristbands in auditions. They just make you look like a wang.
- Join a cult. All the famous people are doing it. Who cares if you get brainwashed - you were probably pretty dumb to begin with.
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