Remember that creepy Cupie-doll cookie jar your grandma used to have? The one that followed you with its beady little eyes as you crossed the room, daring you to sneak a snickerdoodle? Or those horrid Humpty Dumpty salt and pepper shakers that taunted you from the top shelf where your mother kept them, incongruously, with all the "good china"? Okay, maybe those kitschy knick-knacks scared you as a kid, but over the years I've developed a soft spot for ugly, useless crap. You see, back home in Lancaster, my friends and I have a longstanding holiday tradition: the annual White Elephant Gift Exchange. And there's no better resource for awful gifts than my family's cabinets and curios. This year, though, I thought I'd put Jersey City's thrift stores to the test on my personal mission to win the coveted Best Worst Gift Award. So with no further ado, I present you with this year's lovely contender:

Say hello to...
The Mustachioed Feline Grande Dame


"Hey, has anyone seen my car keys?"
"Why, they're right where you left them - next to the elegant cat lady and her dead-eyed, tethered minions."

Alright, so do I have a shot at this year's title? And while we're on the subject, what's the worst gift you've ever given or gotten?