Dear Dr. O,
I'm a little embarrassed... I want my girlfriend to pee on me, but I don't know how to ask her. She's very white collar and I'm as blue as can be. I'm not sure how to ask her without it sounding weird? How do I ask my girlfriend for pee sex?
It's Raining Man
Dear It's Raining Man,
No matter what words are used, your girlfriend needs to be as open as an elephant mommy that just gave birth to a huge elephant baby! White or blue collar (or yellow for that matter) it takes a very open woman to call it a "sex act." You do realize that, right?
As a general rule: Anything the homeless living in the bus shelter down the street will do to you if you pass out drunk is not normally called a sex act. A bum peeing on you is a bum peeing on you... You don't really need a girlfriend if pee gets you off. Simply pretend to fall asleep in a bus shelter.
So when it comes to asking her, how about, "Honey, would you mind very much drinking a gallon of Mountain Dew and squatting over me? Pretty please? Pretty pees?" You could try waiting for a special occasion, such as your birthday, after dinner and before showers and brushing of teeth.
Dear Dr. O,
Why can't I get an erection after I drink alcohol? Does this happen a lot when guys drink?
The other night I had five or six beers, only enough to give me a small buzz, but still I was unable to perform. She told me not feel bad; it's quite common. It's probably true, but why does it happen after only a couple of beers?
Dear Seriously Honest,
You have a serious problem! Alcohol is one of the best ways to help relationships along. You holding your liquor like a schoolgirl is not going to help you contract venereal diseases or get revolving-door chicks pregnant. It will also prevent you from ever being the cool drunk guy with the odd speech impediment and monstrous hard-on.
No, sorry, it doesn't happen to all guys. It's just you! She was being nice to you. If I were you, I would seriously consider marrying her. Your lady friend got naked for nothing and didn't snap your neck? Wow! I guess she wasn't Canadian, eh? The easiest solution is to not drink on those nights where you hope to bring out your twinkie.