Dear Dr. O,
I have been in adult chat rooms online where people have asked, "Do you wanna have cybersex?" I don't know what to do during cybersex. Can you give me some advice, 'cause I'm interested in it?

Signed Circuit Party

Dear Circuit Party,
Dr. O thinks the answer is in the very meaning of the word. The root of cyber is the Greek word kybern, which means to steer. A kybernet is a helmsman, or one who steers. The meaning of sex, of course, is universally known. So cybersex is, literally, the act of having sex with a steering wheel.

Dear Dr. O,
Why are guys always so abrupt when it comes to email and phone communication?

Signed, Premature Communicator

Dear Premature,
I dnt no what ur talkn bout.

Dear Dr. O,
My boyfriend of several years just told me he won't marry me as long as I have student loan debt to pay off. I've always been up-front with him about the amount of money I owe. It's a sizable debt, but my credit is good.

He says he loves me but cannot, in good faith, start a life with me owing that much money. Am I wrong to think that student loans should not stop two people who love each other from getting married?

Signed, No Trust Fun

Dear No Trust Fun,
Ha. Yeah. Loans. That's the hold up. Sure.

Dear Dr. O,
My sister-in-law was in a bad relationship, so my husband and I offered to let her stay with us. We moved all her stuff into our home and even kicked our three-year-old son out of his room so she could have privacy. She stayed with us for two nights and then went to her mother's. She was gone a week, came back and spent one night and returned to her mom's for two weeks. Most of her things are still here, but she hasn't said she's living with her mother permanently. Do I still have a houseguest? I'd like to give my son his room back.

Signed, Sister-in-Flaws

Dear Mom,
It's me Robbie. Your son. Please hush up. Aunt Dana can stay as long as she wants. I'm perfectly fine in the guest bedroom with the peephole behind the painting. WHAT A RACK! At least that's what Daddy said.

Dear Dr. O,
How do I safely compliment a woman? At work, there's this woman I'm crushing on. I'm dying to compliment her, but don't want to come on too hard on her, just in case she's not interested.

Could you please recommend a few neutral compliments I could use, to see if she's at all interested in talking to me?

Signed, Nervous Wreck

Dear Nervous Wreck,
Well, trying to work in the word "love" in passing is something for which you should strive. Complimenting something she's currently doing is more neutral than your perception of her.

As I have no idea what kind of person she is, or what she does, I'll keep my examples very basic...

I love the way your arms are always of the same length.
I love the way you're able to walk with a minimal wobble.
I love the way you sit without standing up too much.
I love the way your hair doesn't cover your whole head.
I love the way you don't block the sun too much.

Seriously though... Just keep looking for reasons to talk to her. You can always compliment her later on.

Dear Dr. O,
Is Andy interested in me?

Signed,
Evelyn

Dear Evelyn,
I'd like to take this opportunity to clarify something for you and quite a few others who have recently asked me such questions as, "Will I marry Ryan Garton?" and "Will I go out with Natalie?" and "Am I wasting my time with the relationship I have at the moment?" Well, here it is, the one, the only, the OFFICIAL STATEMENT: Dr. O is in no way whatsoever connected to the Psychic Hotline.

Dear Dr. O,
Can I get pregnant if my boyfriend leaks? It's not a lot... just a little bit. It's drops at most.

Signed, Foaming Pipe Snake

Dear Foaming Pipe Snake,
Well, it all depends where your boyfriend is leaking... You don't need to worry if it's any place other than his noodle. However, anything coming out of his tinkie winkie during any kind of sex act (no matter how twisted or seemingly innocent) might cause your hips to swell and make you want to eat a lot of ice cream.

Guys leak - it's what they do! Leakage out of your man's chica chica bang bang is not good if you want to avoid passing 7 - 12 pounds of human flesh out of your bojingo. Simply ask him to wipe himself if he's leaking from anywhere else.

Dear Dr. O,
Have you experienced true love?

Signed, Curious

Dear Bi-curious,
Yes, I have. I met the girl that changed me forever in 1966 when working as a watermelon farmer's assistant in a small town outside Los Angeles. Nicole was a beautiful, buxom girl, and she came to the farm one day to buy some vegetables. It was love at first sight for me! When I saw her bend down to pick up a melon, it literally stopped my heart! The last thing I remember when falling face first into a wheelbarrow was her sparkling smile... and her melons.

Dear Dr. O,
I'm a little embarrassed... I want my girlfriend to pee on me, but I don't know how to ask her. She's very white collar and I'm as blue as can be. I'm not sure how to ask her without it sounding weird? How do I ask my girlfriend for pee sex?

Signed,
It's Raining Man

Dear It's Raining Man,
No matter what words are used, your girlfriend needs to be as open as an elephant mommy that just gave birth to a huge elephant baby! White or blue collar (or yellow for that matter) it takes a very open woman to call it a "sex act." You do realize that, right?

As a general rule: Anything the homeless living in the bus shelter down the street will do to you if you pass out drunk is not normally called a sex act. A bum peeing on you is a bum peeing on you... You don't really need a girlfriend if pee gets you off. Simply pretend to fall asleep in a bus shelter.

So when it comes to asking her, how about, "Honey, would you mind very much drinking a gallon of Mountain Dew and squatting over me? Pretty please? Pretty pees?" You could try waiting for a special occasion, such as your birthday, after dinner and before showers and brushing of teeth.

Dear Dr. O,
Why can't I get an erection after I drink alcohol? Does this happen a lot when guys drink?

The other night I had five or six beers, only enough to give me a small buzz, but still I was unable to perform. She told me not feel bad; it's quite common. It's probably true, but why does it happen after only a couple of beers?

Signed,
Seriously Thirsty

Dear Seriously Honest,
You have a serious problem! Alcohol is one of the best ways to help relationships along. You holding your liquor like a schoolgirl is not going to help you contract venereal diseases or get revolving-door chicks pregnant. It will also prevent you from ever being the cool drunk guy with the odd speech impediment and monstrous hard-on.

No, sorry, it doesn't happen to all guys. It's just you! She was being nice to you. If I were you, I would seriously consider marrying her. Your lady friend got naked for nothing and didn't snap your neck? Wow! I guess she wasn't Canadian, eh? The easiest solution is to not drink on those nights where you hope to bring out your twinkie.

Dear Dr. O,
I am an older woman but still HOT, and I know men find me attractive. Unfortunately, men have been intimidated by my looks all my life. They are so afraid of rejection they avoid me. I'm so desperate that I've even considered Internet dating. What would you suggest?

Signed, Mirror Mirror

Dear Mirror,
Dr. O has heard that Internet dating for woman has its pros and cons. The pros are the guys you hope to meet, and the cons are the ones you probably will meet. Seriously, Dr. O suggests you try the old-fashioned, tried and true method of man chasing. Write your name and phone number on the wall of the men's room.

Dear Dr. O,
My girlfriend just started college, and she was spending a lot of late study nights with her young, handsome algebra professor. Suddenly, she was promoted to trigonometry after only a month. Once again, she's spending late study nights with her even younger and more handsome trig professor. I know I should be proud of her progress, but I can't help being a tad bit jealous of all the time she's spending with these handsome academic types.

Signed, Funny Math

Dear Funny Math,
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle." It seems as if your girlfriend has enough angles to please the entire mathematics department in her quest for education. Dr. O calculates that in a very short time, your young lady will be promoted to calculus.

Dear Dr. O,
My 80-year-old grandpa is getting married to an old lady of the same age. I can't figure out why they would bother. Neither of them has money, and they are both old as sin and look their age. The only difference I can see between them is the lady does have a bit more hair than Gramps. Please tell me there can be some reason for this marriage that is not (ugh) physical.

Signed, Granddaddy Complex

Dear Granddaddy Complex,
Companionship could be one reason, but Dr. O is putting his money on physical needs being the reason for the nuptials. Holding hands on the porch swing is very sweet, but at their age the real need is to have a willing and even eager partner when the time comes to have a reciprocal toenail-clipping tryst.

Dear Dr. O,
My fiance always seems to have an answer for everything. How can I tell if he's really as smart as he seems to think he is? I'm worried I might be marrying a pretender to the Dr. O throne.

Signed, Need to Know.

Dear Needy,
First, you need to understand the fundamental truth concerning marriage. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband. However, if you've ever heard your fiance start a sentence with the words "a woman once told me" - grab him! You have a rare one there.

Dear Dr. O,
While at a party, I heard someone refer to an attractive older woman who was obviously on the prowl for younger men as a "cougar." Is there an equivalent term for an older man on the prowl for younger women?

Signed, Cougar Cub

Dear CC,
Yes. Thanks to reverse feminism they are unfortunately called "pigs."

Dear Dr. O,

I found naked pictures of my boyfriend doing all kinds of disgusting things with different stuff around his apartment on his digital camera. Does this mean he's having an affair?

Signed, Jealous of Jelly

Dear Jealous of Jelly,

No. Doing all kinds of disgusting things with different stuff around his apartment simply means your boyfriend is doing all kinds of disgusting things with different stuff around his apartment. If he was having an affair, you would have found pictures of him doing all kinds of disgusting things with different women around his apartment.

Your boyfriend has a hobby that doesn't involve you. What's the big deal? And what are you doing sneaking around his stuff anyway? You only earn that privilege after you marry him.

Dear Dr. O,

Why is it that hot women seem to be universally obsessed with shoes?

Signed, Sketcher

Dear Sketcher,

I suppose it's the same reason they're obsessed with men. Hot woman just adore that lovely warm feeling they get when they walk all over us.

Do vibrators give us unreal sexpectations? I know that porn can definitely be misleading in terms of acrobatic moves and bizarre situations. But I'm sorry, the idea of naked aliens invading your house is just hot.

But vibrators can actually be more threatening than porn. Unfortunately, us men don't have settings that you can change at the drop of a hat. Not to mention our fingers and johnsons can in no way create that vibrating sensation. Unless of course, you're using the condom with a vibrating ring, but that's a different post. I have to admit, it's truly incredible how mind-blowing vibrators can be.

Did you know that Victoria Beckham actually owns a diamond-encrusted vibrator worth $1.8 million? It's pretty hard to replace David Beckham. So if you're going to, you should expect to spend a small fortune.

Maybe it's just me, but I like to think woman prefer a warm-blooded human being as opposed to a rubber/silicone device. I think that once in a while it's okay to have a date night with a vibrator, especially if you've been experiencing a drought. I would much rather you go home to a sex toy than have a bunch of unprotected promiscuous sex. So I guess we gotta give vibrators credit for not turning us into diseased sluts.

Since I love doing analogies, let's compare vibrators to Guitar Hero. Guitar Hero is awesome because it makes you feel like you're a rock star if you can play "Sweet Child of Mine" on expert level. What's not to love about immediate gratification? Take it from someone who switched from a plastic video game guitar to a real guitar. I cannot begin to tell you how frustrated I was. Where were the blue chords? It actually made guitar much harder to learn because I was accustomed to finishing a song in three minutes. Now it takes three days to learn a song. Just like vibrators make five-minute orgasms so easy!

Okay, hopefully I haven't lost you all yet. What I'm basically trying to say is that the real thing may require more effort, but it's ultimately more rewarding. I would think of vibrators as chocolate. Don't overindulge too often. I mean really, if you start having a relationship with your rabbit then you might as well be asexual, right?

Do any of you know someone who may need a vibrator intervention?