Improving Your Communication Skills

You must be brave. Tell others what you think, how you feel, and what you need. No one is a mind reader. People can't know how to help you unless you tell them.

Be mindful that the other person brings his or her own experience and framework to the conversation. Therefore, something they might think is helpful, you may find hurtful. By telling people what you're thinking and feeling, you're giving them the tools to understand you, and work together on a solution. Asking for help and expressing your needs might feel awkward, selfish or narcissistic at first. But the more you articulate your needs, the more powerful you will become - because you are co-opting the support of other people. And let's be honest… if you can't talk about a problem it will never go away.

The key to being a good communicator is keeping an open mind. You must keep an open mind and heart in order to focus on the solution, not the method by which it's reached. Avoid becoming defensive, assigning blame or attacking the other person at all costs. That's a surefire way to end a conversation before it's even begun. This is where you must speak from that empathic place. Remember the other person has his or her own thoughts and feelings. Be sensitive when you're engaging them.

Improving Your Communication Skills

A really simple technique for this is the skill of "I statements" as opposed to "you statements." Using an I statement offers a way of communicating your issue to another person without accusing them of causing the problem. A you statement is the exact opposite. For example: if you're upset that your spouse is staying out late without calling, the conversation can go one of two ways. The you statement sounds like this: "You stayed out all night and didn't even have the consideration to call! You are such an inconsiderate jerk." Although this might be true, communicating the issue in this way is most likely going to get you nowhere or even possibly make matters worse. The other person will probably argue and get defensive. They might respond as follows: "You nag all the time! Why would I want to come home to that?" In this type of communication the problem only gets worse. If you have this same conversation using I statements, the possibility of favorable resolution is much greater. Here's the I statement example: "Honey, I sometimes feel insignificant and insecure when you stay out and don't call." This type of statement doesn't make the issue anyone's fault. It simply states a fact and presents an open forum for resolution. The other person will probably respond in a more sympathetic way. They might say, "Honey, I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you feel that way. Sometimes when I'm out with the guys, I just lose track of time and don't think. I'll make an effort to check in from here on out because I love you and don't want you to feel that way."

Improving Your Communication Skills

Now, if the other person doesn't respond to open dialogue, and if they aren't concerned about you and your feelings when presented in a diplomatic way, then there may be a different issue altogether. At this point, you might need to reevaluate the dynamics of the relationship.