While it's been often said, I really do believe that the most important people in the world are teachers.   And with the school year coming to a close, I'd like to thank some of those "teachers" who so greatly influenced and changed my life.

 

Thank you to...

 

1. ... the very clever kid in my kindergarten class who taught me my first comedic comeback... "I know you are, but what am I?"  (It still works... with 5 year olds.)

 

2. ... the kid who taught me how to make a fart noise with my armpit... and who taught me the saying, "pull my finger." (Another variation... "Pull my toe."  I just made that one up... you can have it!  Oh... and here's one more variation... "Pull my camel-toe!"  You can have that one too.)

 

3. ... the kid who taught me a way to watch scrambled adult films on cable, where the body parts seem to magically become re-attached.  (That still comes in handy on a lonely night.)

 

4. ... the kid who taught me how to give an Atomic Wedgie, Hanging Wedgie and Inverted Wedgie.  (The kid was a genius.  And thanks to this knowledge, through out elementary school my younger brothers, Michael and Harlan, walked at a 90 degree angle, each with a very sore ass.)

 

5. ... the kid in summer camp who taught me how to play "strip poker" and "spin the bottle."  (Unfortunately I went to an all-boys summer camp... enough said.)

 

6. ... the kid in second grade who taught me how to kiss.  (Even though she gave me that kiss after chasing me down and pinning me to the ground at recess, it was still a nice lesson.  I wonder if she's single now?)

 

7. .... the kids who supported my joking around and taught me how good it felt to get a laugh.  I really do owe them everything!

 

 

Please visit me on Facebook or stop by my website at www.viccohen.com.

Thanks, teachers!

Appearing on "Howie Do It" is an amazing experience.  And one of the best parts of being on

the show is getting to become friends with so many of you on Facebook.  Thank you for your support.

 

But with all of my new online friendships, I've discovered

it's important to have a common understanding of what we can expect from each

other.   There's been a little

confusion with some of my past Facebook "friends," which have created some

very, very, very awkward moments.  So,

I hope this clears up a few things.  Thanks.

 

When we become online friends...

 

EXPECT:   Me to offer you well wishes when you

write that you're going on vacation.

 

DON'T EXPECT:  Me to offer you a ride to the

airport or to water your plants, take in your mail, pick up your newspaper,

feed your cat, baby-sit your kids or put out your trash.

 

 

EXPECT:  That I will be very excited for you if

you're moving.

 

DON'T EXPECT:  That I will offer to pack your boxes,

move your furniture or drive your stuff cross country to your new home. 

 

 

EXPECT:  That I will be very happy for you if

you've just purchased new furniture.

 

DON'T EXPECT:  That I will help assemble it...

especially if it's from Ikea or involves an Allen wrench.

 

 

EXPECT:  That you can always borrow my ear.

 

DON'T EXPECT:  That you can ever borrow my clothes, my

money or my car.

 

 

EXPECT:  That I will always consider you a

friend.

 

DON'T EXPECT:  Much more.

 

 

So, after reading this list of expectations, I'm basically

like 90 percent of your real friends!   Right?  This is going to be great.   You can find me on Facebook and on my website at www.viccohen.com.   I look forward to hearing from you, "friend!"  Vic

Being a single guy, I often get a lot of very nice questions from my female fans.  So, I thought I'd answer some of those questions right here! 
 
Q: Vic, what's your idea of the perfect date?
 
A: One that doesn't end up with me on the wrong end of a paternity test on "Maury." I'm no one's baby daddy (as of this writing, May 13, 2009).

 
Q: Vic, do you like blondes, brunettes or redheads?
 
A: Yes.
 
 
Q: Vic, how can an amazingly handsome, sweet, compassionate, generous, caring man like you... still be single?
 
A: Mom, I'm working on it.
 
 
Q:  Vic, how do you know a date has gone great?
 
A:   If I have not received a restraining order or a fever blister within 48 hours.
 
 
Q:  Vic, do you believe in "love at first sight?"
 
A:  Yes, and I have a lazy eye.  Every woman I've fallen in love with has been standing directly to my left.
 
 
Q:  Vic, what do you think of women who kiss on a first date?
 
A:  I think I'd like to watch.
 
 
Q:   Vic, are you afraid of commitment?
 
A:   Do I have to answer that? I need more time...
 
 
Q:  Vic, what kind of father do you think you'll make?
 
A:  A short bald one.
 
 
Q:  Vic, what do you think about "public displays of affection?"
 
A:  Good when you're with someone - never good when you're by yourself... can only lead to trouble.
 
 
Q:  Vic, in one word, describe the first woman you ever made love to.
 
A:  Inflatable.
 
Please say hi to me here, on facebook or on my website, www.viccohen.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

It's thank you time!

After pranking hundreds of great people on "Howie Do It," I feel a need to thank all of them for being such great sports.   In particular, I want to thank the following:

1.     Thank you to the man who let me crawl into bed with his wife
and make out with her in our "mouthwash commercial" prank. Your wife has beautiful eyes.  Skin as smooth as butter.  And what lips!  So soft and supple.  I can still taste your wife's raspberry lip-gloss.  Thanks for sharing.  You are the best!

2.     Kudos to the woman who repeatedly bitch slapped me after I asked her what it's like to be mistaken for a "street walker" (so far, a favorite moment from my "Vic Cohen People Person" reports).  I appreciate any time I can get that kind of attention from a woman.  

3.     Thanks to the man I had mistaken for a woman in a "Vic Cohen People Person" report.  I appreciate you not giving me your phone number.  I had no idea you were a guy.   That would've been a very awkward date.

4.     Thanks to the man who picked me as his date in our "dating show" prank.  Even though you wanted to beat me up, my feminine side was still flattered you chose me.   Turns out I didn't wear my spanks for nothing!  (And thank you again for not beating me up.)

5.     Thank you to the unsuspecting man who gave me a piggyback ride when I posed as a crazy golf instructor.  It'd been over 25 years since I had a piggyback ride and it was well worth the wait.  

And thank all of you for watching "Howie Do It!"  If we haven't met soon... don't be surprised if we meet sometime in the near future - when you least expect it!

Vic

Thanks to the thousands of you who recently came to a taping of "Howie Do It." It was an unforgettable night. And thanks to all of you fans who stuck around after the show to say hi to me! It was a thrill to meet you. (I've included some fun pictures from the night.)

As you might suspect, during the evening there were some pranks pulled behind the scenes (that will never make it to television). I want to personally apologize to DJ Ravidrums, our amazing drummer/percussionist, for placing his drumsticks in a part of my body that drumsticks really shouldn't go. (I did that on stage in front of the audience before the show... DJ Ravidrums was not amused.)

No one was safe from being pranked that night - not even the audience. Before the taping I pretended to be an usher and pulled a little prank on some people who came to the show. Wearing no shirt... and an usher badge clipped to my left nipple (it was not pretty), I walked them around in circles for over 45 MINUTES as I "looked for their seats." After about thirty minutes they started getting winded... they weren't in the best shape. For being such good sports, I finally gave them front row seats. But what they really needed was oxygen! I think they're still out of breath.

It was definitely a perfect night (except maybe for DJ Ravidrums and his drumsticks). I can't wait to do it again soon!

Vic

(P.S. Say hi to me here or on Facebook. And I'm on Twitter! Also check out my website at www.viccohen.com)

It's a Vic Cohen Sandwich. This is fun!

The infamous drumsticks! Hmm. For some crazy reason DJ Ravidrums didn't want these sticks after I got hold of them. And naturally, this fan did!

Me with the drumming fan and her MAN. WHAT?!?! "Please don't hurt me, sir."

Here I give my autograph and remind her "Yes, I am available for bachelorette parties."

I wish I had an explanation for this picture. I don't.