At the last minute, Sloane calls a high Chelsea to watch her baby Sylvia while she goes to Bible study. Due to her current state, Chelsea ropes Olivia and Dee Dee into babysitting with her. Together, they scheme party plans for Sloane's 35th birthday. Dee Dee has a cake recipe app on her phone; just add church friends and a male stripper, and it'll be a party!
Rick recalls last night's weird dream about Chelsea to Todd. Kayaking out on the ocean, Rick casts a line out and reels in a turtle with Chelsea's face. Clearly, this means Rick wants to sleep with Chelsea, Todd interprets. The real key is whether turtle Chelsea had hair or not. Blonde or bald, Rick doesn't find having sex with turtle Chelsea appealing.
Chelsea and Olivia surf the Internet for a male stripper, but Melvin thinks only a manscaped Jesus will appeal to Sloane's conservative personality. They eventually discover an all-American who arrives dressed like a soldier. Bonus: he offers discounts for military wives. Chelsea reels Rick into the party-planning committee, requesting he help create a slideshow from old photos.
Back at Chelsea's apartment, she and Rick scan the pictures. Rick uncomfortably finds an old Halloween photo of Chelsea dressed like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Maybe Todd was right after all. Silvia begins fussing, but Rick is a natural. There's something about guys holding babies that's just so cute, and Chelsea films the phenomenon. Melvin bursts in the door, claiming the party needs to be called off because Sloane was not happy about it. Logically, he told Sloane about the party so she would be thrown off the trail. Sloane really wants to do nothing.
Planning a "nothing" party, Chelsea, Olivia, Dee Dee and Rick surprise Sloane at home with bags full of junk food and cleaning supplies. Rick takes Silvia for the day, while the girls clean and help Sloane do nothing. Nothing translates into too many shots for Sloane, who complains about her severe lack of personal hygiene and upkeep since becoming a single mother. Chris, her husband, hasn't even met his new baby daughter yet. Since he's been gone, hair is plentiful in unmentionable places and her feet are scaly like a dinosaur. As Sloane gives too much information, Chris calls Chelsea on her cell. His tour in Afghanistan just ended, and he's surprising Sloane for her birthday! He'll be there in four hours to see his beautiful wife. Chelsea is excited until she realizes Sloane is passed out on the floor, her hygiene in shambles.
Knowing they must help her prepare, the girls take Sloane to a professional. They definitely can't tackle this job alone. Still passed out, Sloane lies helpless in a waxing chair. When Sloane finally wakes up, she is not happy. All she wanted was to do nothing, but Chelsea couldn't even let her do that. Even the pretty clothes Olivia and Dee Dee buy doesn't cheer her up. The only excuse Chelsea can think of is that Sloane needs to look nice for a family photo.
As Chelsea touches up Sloane's makeup at home, there's a knock at the door! But it's only Melvin with a birthday sweater for Sloane. A second knock is Rick and Sylvia returning from their day of fun. Certainly, the third knock must be Chris... but the soldier stripper Chelsea and Olivia ordered strolls through the door, ripping off his uniform. Sloane cowers in the corner as he bumps and grinds over her. Peering around the stripper, Sloane finally sees the real surprise: Chris! She leaps into his arms, ecstatic her husband is finally home. An emotional first meeting between Chris and Sylvia has even Chelsea tearing up.
A clearly nervous Rick drives the still emotional Chelsea home. "Do you like surprises?" he asks, biting his lip. Surprises never work on Chelsea because she always figures them out. As the words come out of her mouth, Rick leans over and kisses her. Completely shocked, Chelsea stares in disbelief. But then, she passionately returns the favor.