What you'll need:

• Top-Shelf Vodka (do yourself a favor and get the good stuff)
• Vermouth
• Olives
• Ice
• Cocktail pitcher, jigger, martini glasses and cocktail stirrer

What you'll do:

First of all, James Bond is wrong. Don't shake your martini. It bruises the booze and you don't want to get off to a bad start when you're drinking.

Take the cocktail pitcher and fill it halfway with ice. Then grab your jigger - no, not that one, the one to measure out the vodka, silly. The other one gets grabbed AFTER you've been drinking.

Pour a jigger of vodka into the pitcher for every drink - sometimes, I like to use two jiggers per drink but not tell anyone.

Next, take the bottle of vermouth and gently wave it over the pitcher. Whatever you do, DO NOT open the bottle lest you be tempted to actually pour some in.

Gently stir with a cocktail stirrer, or use your finger if no one is looking. When you're done, pour out the drinks and garnish with two olives each: not one, not three, but two. Why is that? Stop asking me so many questions; I have a martini sitting here that isn't going to drink itself.

Virgin Martini Recipe

Well, kiddos, I was asked to give a virgin martini recipe, though I don't know very much about virgins, but I'll give it the old Karen Walker try:

Fill a glass with cold water.