The human obsession with all things "cute" has become nothing short of a pandemic. Our infatuation with creatures exhibiting pedomorphosis, the retention of child-like characteristics (such as large eyes and big heads), has allowed a plethora of dangerous and often deadly creatures to literally find their way into our hearts, devouring our most vital organ once they gain access. And it's not just the creatures we traditionally associate with attacks: cute spiders and snakes. A wide variety of the animals we least expect have been on a veritable killing spree of late.
Mankind's closest living relative, the chimpanzee, are the most dangerous and deceptive of killers, lulling weak-minded humans into a false sense of confidence with those "adorable" big, white, smiling teeth. But the chimps are only smiling because they're thinking about using those "adorable" teeth to feast on your flesh and then steal your bananas. And it's not just the teeth you have to worry about--it's their human-like hands. They use their opposable thumbs to rip off your opposable thumbs. That's right, they're aware of the evolutionary advantages of opposable thumbs and they don't want you to have them. Plus, they'll go after your eyes, ears, noses, and testicles.
There are all-manner of animals touting their cute characteristics, waiting for us to let our guard down, so they can more easily strike us down. Beware of the following so-called "cute" animals: Giant Panda Bears--use a little common sense, if you didn't know what a Giant Panda Bear was, would you befriend a creature that was described as "giant" and "bear-like"? I think not. Hedgehogs--a certain video game franchise coupled with the widespread email forwarding of baby hedgehog photos has caused people to think they're cute and cuddly. Come on people, think; their bodies are covered in spikes! Koala--people assume that since they're cute herbivores they must be "cuddly-wuddly," but these marsupials have sharp claws, a nasty temperament, and they won't hesitate to cut you. It just goes to show, you can't trust any creature that has a bifurbicated (forked) penis. These animals, and other killers just like them, are truly putting the "cute" in "execute."
So what can you do? Well for starters, buy mink coats. Also, fox, chinchilla, and leopard-skin. Test medications, toiletries, cleaning products, and experimental surgeries on sweet-looking critters, not humans. Stop trying to domesticate adorable animals that clearly should remain in their natural habitat and be hunted there. And remember to look past these animals' big cute eyes and see them for the vicious and ruthless killers they actually are.
Animals should be viewed only as a means of labor, food, or both. That's it. Forming bonds with members of the animal kingdom is a waste of time. I always thought that Jane Goodall was a fool (why'd she mingle with those baby apes, was she barren?). I'm not fond of my mule; I'm fond of the way my mule pulls my buggy. I didn't like my prized goose; I liked the way her liver tasted. Animals are only good for the services they provide, which is why I'm opposed to the new friendship forming at the Schrute Farm, between Mose and his pet pig.
Mose and his hog, Birgit, named after his favorite aunt/sister, have been inseparable. They go everywhere and do everything together: eat whopping pies together, sing Deutsche Volkslieder together, churn butter together, drink molasses together, slaughter other pigs together... So he was a little more than disappointed when I told him we had to kill the pig.
Since then, Mose has been trying to convince me to let him keep the pig. He's been getting all sorts of ideas from TV. He used spider webs to weave, "Sum Pig" over Birgit's stall. Then he tried to teach the pig to herd sheep (he's been watching a lot of ABC Family). But I have big plans for that pig; I was going to use him to make bacon, sausage, chitterlings, gammon, grinds, headcheese, and a set of matching boots & a hat.
Normally I would make Mose slaughter the pig himself, to teach him that animals are our subordinates. But I don't think Mose can do it. When Mose gets separated from something he loves, he spirals into a deep depression. When we took away his favorite cornhusk doll, he wouldn't come out to do his chores or even play a tune on his jug. I hate it when Mose gets that way, plus those chores aren't going to do themselves. So, although I'm still staunchly against it, I'm going to let Mose keep his pet pig... at least until she reaches 250kg.
Pirates?! Suddenly, everyone is talking about pirates. Welcome to the party that's been going on for...ever. Legend has it the designer of the first dugout canoe was admiring his work when the designer of the first oar cracked him over the head and stole his boat. Since that moment, buoyancy and robbery have been forever linked. So how do you end piracy?
- Stop using boats.
- Drain all the oceans, lakes, rivers, canals, gigantic puddles, etc.
Doesn't seem plausible? It's not! Piracy, like STDs, is here to stay, but there are measures we can take to help control and prevent the spread of marauding:
- The glorification of pirates by the media must cease immediately. I suggest we do away with the light-hearted pirate jokes so prevalent in modern comedy, the boozy good times promised by Captain Morgan, and of course, Jimmy Buffett.
- Build Long John Silvers all along the Somali Coast (and perhaps the entire Horn of Africa). These restaurants will create a boom for the fishing industry as well as provide employment opportunities for out of work pirates looking to change their ways.
- If a pirate is caught marauding, don't make him walk the plank--that's exactly what he wants! Put him a hot woolen suit, chain him to a desk, and make him do data entry for the remainder of his life. Then take pirate children and give them a first hand look at what happens when you pursue a career in piracy. It's called "scaring them straight" and if it worked for my gay uncle Fritz back in the old country, then it can work for a bunch of punk kids too.
- Stop calling the widespread practice of illegal song and movie downloads, "piracy." Yes, illegal down-loaders are criminals and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law (maybe even above and beyond the full extend of the law), but there's nothing "swashbuckling" about illegal downloads and so the name is complete misnomer.
- Finally, if you travel the high seas, and you're trying to determine whether or not someone might be a pirate, look for automatic weapons and ignore the classic myths about pirate appearance. The common belief that parrots, eye patches, peg legs, etc. are still the defining features of pirates has been greatly exaggerated by the family of Robert Louis Stevenson in order to continue their highly profitable pirate costume and souvenir business. That being said, if a pirate does enter a hospital missing a leg, under no circumstances should he be given a wooden peg leg, because that just enables him to get back on his feet. He'll be raping and pillaging in no time.
The time of the year where everyone whines about getting sick is finally coming to a close. Some refer to it as "flu season," I call it "scheming industry out of a free day away from work season." Although I know my name for it is not as catchy, it is much more accurate. I find it disgraceful when people take sick days on the company dime due to their illnesses. Corporate America will be relieved to know that I have a plan to tackle this abomination.
I propose that companies provide a quarantine and medical unit to treat sick employees (I got the idea when I watched 28 Weeks Later and an episode of M.A.S.H. back to back last weekend). Instead of calling in sick, wasting time, and lowering productivity, employees will have no excuse but to come in and work in a controlled environment where they can receive medical attention. In my office, I think they should quarantine the annex. As it is now, the office runts work in there, so there's no real loss if they get infected. Of course, should this proposal ever be carried out, these units will need leaders, people with experience in the medical realm; a post I'd be honored and adequately qualified to fill.
I am an authority on dealing with the sick. I spent my youth as an apprentice under Abelard Schrute, my Großonkel and the farm doctor. Since his death (he died of a broken arm), I've taken over his role. I've tended to snake bites, treated whooping cough, and once attempted to perform a circumcision, so I feel confident that I can take care of an accountant's flu, a large salesman's diabetes, or the receptionist's scoliosis (I'm assuming she has scoliosis by the way she walks). Plus I have a huge supply of homemade penicillin, so not only am I qualified to handle the sick, I am also prepared.
Corporate America, this is your opportunity to end the era of companies being exploited by sick employees. Adopt what I am proposing and form a quarantine/medical unit in your offices STAT. You'll save money and increase productivity. ... and you'll have me to thank. You're welcome.
Continue reading No More Sick Pay.
When choosing which foods to consume, I generally seek the most nutrient-rich provisions. My rations serve as fuel, which I use to power my complex, highly efficient, ass-kicking machine. I especially enjoy protein-rich foodstuffs full of real down-home flavors: be they salty, gamey, or grizzlish. I've even been known to enjoy goat milk iced cream, which manages to be both salty and gamey! What I don't like and what I will not tolerate, is Mose's recent infatuation with this God-awful frozen yogurt craze.
My nephew, Bastian, returned from his Rumspringa and turned Mose onto the white stuff. Now, I consider myself an open-minded person. I'm willing to tolerate the concept of yogurt, if only because of the obvious health benefits of eating live bacteria cultures and absorbing their life force. But frozen yogurt, at least the variety Mose and Bastian fancy, is made from a powder and contains no live bacteria, no nutrients, and not even a trace of flu virus that could exercise the immune system. In spite of its frivolousness, I might be willing to indulge Mose's misguided addiction now and again, if the frozen yogurt wasn't so girly. Mose has a hard enough time being respected by fellow males without a public obsession with spa food. Plus it tastes disgusting!
Of course the frozen yogurt store does its best to cover up the horrible taste with a variety of toppings, both sweet and fruity. Although, when I asked for beets on mine, they looked at me like I was requesting ketchup. Oh yeah, like a delicious Pennsylvania vegetable is a weirder dessert topping than some exotic fruit that doesn't even grow in the contiguous United States--what kind of idiot uses coconut for anything other than fighting off predators or dissenters on a desert island? And regardless, the very notion that you can mask the too-tart taste, is kind of like putting a suit on a lion: no matter how you dress it up, if it comes into contact with your body, it will wreak havoc on your intestines. It gives Mose horrible gas. So do yourself a favor, avoid frozen yogurt at all costs. If you have a friend or family member who eats the stuff, help them beat the habit the Schrute way: mercilessly ridicule them until they lose their appetite altogether.
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