Two words, Frank: ear scritchies. The cats like it too.

Holly H.

Gee You are faced with an elusive tricky spot trying to catch a kitty lover. You must begin to think as the cat. What attracts the animal to rub its softness against a body? What amuses kitty? What stimulates kitty? Unwind that ball of yarn my friend and you will have a kitty lover,purring on your lap rubbing the kinky hair against your waiting flesh.
Of course you could think like a dog, if your goal is just to play tag with the cat. or a bird and you would be consumed by the cat with no life left.
Answer these questions. And unlock the Secret.... I read about it on Oprahs site.

Andy in Vermont

oh yeah they like meat in the can too.

Andy in Vermont

O if its old just the dry stuff

Andy in Vermont

Get the cats to like you, keep them from running away, and instead have them hang around you so Greta will want to stay around. If Greta likes cats --> and cats like Frank --> then by the transitive property, Greta should like Frank.

A few easy ways to do this: First, catnip. Rub it on the bottom of your pants and the tops of your sneakers. Or, at the very least, visit the Fulton Fish Market before work and walk around near the fish guts.

Second, when you're outside work, stay away from dogs. Keeping their scent off of you will help prevent the cats from being scared off. This and the above will help the cats not want to leave your side, which will bring Greta over because she'll be intrigued at why you're so cat attractive.

Third, have tuna for lunch. Once Greta is near you, make sure you stand close to her when you can talk and your breath will remind her of cats. During the conversation, make disparaging comments about dogs too.

But before you do any of that, make sure she's not a fan of the Liberty, or else you're just spinnin' your wheels.

J from Stamford

wow. you got runtblocked.

gc

Dud e it is kinda lame that you arent getting more help with the foxy lady. I like to offer up this k its dinner theater thats right Im talking about the spinning slab of meat the gyro. placed into a warm PITA Bun.

It will open up lots of possibilities for conversation. It has knives so Ninja, samuri, gladiator kinda vibe. Spinning meat so it has lots of meat spinning a guy who cuts the meat with his big knife. (it would be cool if it was scissors like a scissor fight but..) so that can be good if you have a sharp whittler.

Cats dig meat. Its like a cant lose first hey. What the kinda meat do they spin on gianourmous meat stick?
Go for it....

Andy in Vermont

http://www.interestingideas.com/roadside/gyros/gyros.htm
pictures of gyros lots of em.
Billy dont be a hero. see how much meat you can carve into that bun.

Andy in Vermont

Okay this is the lock after you off or cage the runt, bring a camera and tell her you want a picture cause you are gonna keep it on your desk so you can always see...pick a word from the list below in her eyes. workss like paint remover.
Mischief, devilry , hob, impishness, knavery, mischievousness, rascality, roguishness, shenanigans, waggery, wickedness
diabolicalness, naughtiness; friskiness, playfulness, sportiveness; chicanery, hanky-panky, trickery; high jinks, monkeyshines, skylarking, tomfoolery; antic, caper, practical joke; aggravation, annoyance, exasperation, irritation
licentious, passionate, wanton prurient; dissipated, dissolute, libertine; corrupt, debauched, depraved, immoral, indecent, chaste, decent, modest, moral, pure, virtuous; monastic, monkish; maidenly, virginal; innocent, lily-whiteartifice, chicanery, hanky-panky, jugglery, legerdemain, subterfuge, wile artfulness, caginess, craftiness, cunning, deviousness, foxiness, shadiness, sharpness, shiftiness, slickness, slipperiness, slyness, sneakiness, treachery, underhandedness, wiliness; deceit, deceitfulness, deception, deceptiveness, dishonesty, dissimulation, double-dealing, duplicity, guile, hypocrisy, insincerity; fakery, humbuggery, imposture, quackery; design, plotting, scheming, secrecy, stealth

Andy in Vermont

Hey Jude/Frank,

Long, long time no see buddy. Remember me from the baseball card collecting days? W ell, I've been keepin' up with you or tryin' to. Your career is on hi speed with a lot of twists and turns, I can hardly keep up with ya.

Anyway, Greta, is great. Used to go with her. Great personality. A real woman. Her cats are fab too, but they are #1 in her life. Nothing I did could ever change that . So, I moved on to dog lovin' women. What a difference!
I've never had a problem there. In short time, I became t op dog. Something to think about.

So keep at Frank, I love ya, you're doin' great, and I'm doin my best to keep with ya. Jim S.

Jim Schmidoressa

Dratch is kinda hot.

Hunter Kesey

Ok Frank since you are crafty
maybe you should make yourself som e chaps like out of carpet.
like a scratching post. or you could use fish heads. rolly polly fish heads like a pussy cat buffey. but you could takee off the chaps and make Josh wear em. skilz okay
I gotta go my cat lover needs her chow chow chow.

Andy in Vermont

http://www.mburrphoto.com/images/5599_fish_heads_ps-pp.jpg
imagine the chaps gorgeous man

Andy in Vermont

or or this you could get your page boy whashisname or one oft he other old laddies hanging around to catch the cat and put some kiwi shoe polish on its paws.
Up state there is a place called the some palce you cant get to unless you pay a grand to spend the night its near Saranac secret local Dinero likes to hunt up there cause noone is around they meet you at the door.
this is rich with 35 year old scotch a river of vodka runs down an ice slope and pools around rocks made out of oyster shells and filled with beluga caviar.
You get the point any way good luck with your dillema

Andy in Vermont

You're cheating on me with that RUNT?

Screw you Frank, I'll go get with Kenneth now.

Martina

PAlm Oil, Oiling palms in nand the lust for zoom zoom leads to deforestation global warming the massive burning of the peet in Indonesia which contributes over 15% of the worlds carbon gasses and also makes sick the Oragutun (killingg of the orange apes and orange is my favorite color) in the state of Malaisia .
You would think Franks dillema massive amounts of palm oil would not lead to the death of an entire specie but it does. Spanky...the earth killer.

Andy in Vermont

I have no cats.. making things infinitely simpler.

2chey

think about it bud, do you even like cats? this might not be the route you want to take. this is a serious decision-you should probably give it a little more thought

the cats are always gonna be Numero Uno-can you handle it?

georgia

you still lookin for kitty you old laddie? maybe what you need is some new garb a kilt perhaps http://www.utilikilts.com/
Or try coverin up your proud bits with the http://www.manleyrichardson.com/
go ahead yea ol git. Make em wonder if you and the vicker are sharin similar secrets.

Andy in Vermont

You're a beautiful man Frank.

Liz

Let me know if it doesn't work with catwoman (haha)

;)

Laura

Also, I love how you tell us "if you want please leave a comment"

Of course we comment - we love you!

Laura

some body is a good whittler.
Looks like you got a pile a meat in the buns afore the yogurt topping.
MBK schweet.
good Gyro.

Andrew in VT

hey, how do you become a good comedy writer, what classes do you take?

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