The revelation that Jenna has at least seven children hardly came as a surprise. As DNA analysts will tell you, Maroney family stock is hearty - hardened by centuries spent sipping scotch and mead and procreating around peat fires. But in every litter there seems to be at least one black sheep. That a brunette is now in the extended Maroney gene pool is both a freak of nature and a disgrace.
But even more freakish and disgraceful is that the remaining six normal children would somehow take it upon themselves to exclude their own mother from their upcoming reality show. If it weren't for Jenna's unrelenting star power, these kids wouldn't be let near a camera. Clearly, their mother's show biz instincts skipped a generation. Apparently some people have never heard of "19 Kids and Counting," "Raising Sextuplets" and a little show known as "Keeping Up with the Kardashians." Unbelievable.
Rest assured Jenna hasn't tapped out all her available children. Thanks to her recent endorsement deal with DNA testing powerhouse IsThatMyDamnKid?.com, Jenna is connecting with the kids she's never known. And of course, she is fielding multiple show offers to tell her story in her own way. We can't disclose details just yet, but as soon as the final deal points can be worked out on lighting, car service, couture allowance and a cross-tie with her new alcoholic carbonated coconut water, CocoBlitz, the true story will come out.
Jenna also wants you all to know that it's you, the fans, whom she considers her true family. They say every mother is a working mother - and as you know, no one works harder than Mother Maroney. And she does it for you.
- Jenna's Assistant