Thank you all so much for your concern regarding Jenna. We can't tell you how many letters and e-mails we've received, but needless to say, it was over ten and less than twenty. Her intoxicating appearance on "Queen of Jordan" boosted the ratings, eclipsing such NBC tentpoles as "Homeless and Beautiful" and "Swamp Mate." In fact, the ratings went up 60% in three key demographics: Self Esteem-Deficient Girls (age 13-13½); Red-Haired Gay Men (age 17-72); and Foreign Exchange Students Who Don't Understand What They're Watching (age 13-19). For only the third(ish) time in television history, everyone's talking about an overpaid actor with addiction problems. We couldn't be happier! Jenna wants you to know that she appreciates your concerns, and she's asked me to personally respond to some of your emails.
Dear Jenna's Assistant,
How is Jenna enjoying rehab? Are there any plans to shoot a reality special or interview?
-- ILuvJENN@
Dear ILuvJENN@,
If by "rehab" you mean Latvian Sex Resort, Jenna's having a wonderful time. So much healing! Long, sweaty nights of healing! And as always, Jenna is willing to do any reality special or interview. However, she does not like her dress.
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Dear Jenna's Assistant:
What can we do to help Jenna with her addiction battle? We are scared that it will get in the way of Jenna's award-winning work on TGS.
-- Jennas-Side Shopper
Dear Jennas-Side Shopper,
Technically speaking, Jenna has never won an award for her work on TGS unless you consider the Society for American Dermatologist's Award for Most Private Bleachings.
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Dear Jenna's Assistant:
Herbal Viagra only $5.99. Much big. Email reply. America.
-- &*Vlkin
Dear &*Vlkin,
Thanks for the support.
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And thanks again to everyone! You made Jenna's intervention a night to remember! For us here at TGS it has been a long and tumultuous month. And most importantly, if you know anyone who needs a personal assistant, email me back immediately. My life has lost its meaning.
Signed,
Jenna's Assistant