Good lighting is a basic human right - as important as any of the freedoms this country was founded on. After all, what good is free speech if you look like a cadaver and no one wants to hear what you're saying?

And that's why it's so irritating when something simple like a request for a light bulb is shut down to indulge someone's private political statement. I won't mention names, but Subhas you know who you are. Jenna's only trying to do her job and give the fans the beautiful and joyous superstar they know and love - the one named to Star's Most Natural Looking Blonde list in 2006 and 2008.

Fortunately, we have found an alternate supplier of the 223c bulbs, thanks to Barry at American Poultry Growers Wholesale Electrical Supply Barn. You are our sunshine!

Hi everyone!

As you may have read on deadcareerhollywood.com, Jenna's snagged a lucrative deal to become the celebrity Face of Wool! As you can imagine, this amazing news has thrilled Jenna's fans, but it's also inspired some unwarranted accusations.

Let me be the first to tell you that Jenna is a very moral, wholesome person and she is not planning on using this deal to fund a trip to Betasten Bos, Amsterdam's premier sex garden. And though she is dating a gender-dysmorphic bigenitalian pansexualle, they are in a committed, totally normal relationship.

Now that that's cleared up, feel free to write the Wool Council to tell them how happy you are that Jenna is representing them. We haven't been this thrilled since Jenna got the filthylittlefeet.com campaign!

Hi loyal fans --

Unfortunately I have some disappointing news: JennaBabies have been recalled. It seems that unscrupulous drug smugglers have used JennaBabies to sneak cocaine into the U.S from Mexico. If your children have exhibited any hyperactive behavior after playing with a JennaBaby, we urge you to get them medical attention immediately.

Though it's unclear how QVC will rebound from this major hit to their financial bottom line, Jenna has vowed to move forward. She has just finished working on "Take My Hand," a gripping torture porn film set in beautiful, idyllic Connecticut.

Thank you all so much for your concern regarding Jenna. We can't tell you how many letters and e-mails we've received, but needless to say, it was over ten and less than twenty. Her intoxicating appearance on "Queen of Jordan" boosted the ratings, eclipsing such NBC tentpoles as "Homeless and Beautiful" and "Swamp Mate." In fact, the ratings went up 60% in three key demographics: Self Esteem-Deficient Girls (age 13-13½); Red-Haired Gay Men (age 17-72); and Foreign Exchange Students Who Don't Understand What They're Watching (age 13-19). For only the third(ish) time in television history, everyone's talking about an overpaid actor with addiction problems. We couldn't be happier! Jenna wants you to know that she appreciates your concerns, and she's asked me to personally respond to some of your emails.

Dear Jenna's Assistant,

How is Jenna enjoying rehab? Are there any plans to shoot a reality special or interview?

-- ILuvJENN@

Dear ILuvJENN@,

If by "rehab" you mean Latvian Sex Resort, Jenna's having a wonderful time. So much healing! Long, sweaty nights of healing! And as always, Jenna is willing to do any reality special or interview. However, she does not like her dress.

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Dear Jenna's Assistant:

What can we do to help Jenna with her addiction battle? We are scared that it will get in the way of Jenna's award-winning work on TGS.

-- Jennas-Side Shopper

Dear Jennas-Side Shopper,

Technically speaking, Jenna has never won an award for her work on TGS unless you consider the Society for American Dermatologist's Award for Most Private Bleachings.

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Dear Jenna's Assistant:

Herbal Viagra only $5.99. Much big. Email reply. America.

-- &*Vlkin

Dear &*Vlkin,

Thanks for the support.

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And thanks again to everyone! You made Jenna's intervention a night to remember! For us here at TGS it has been a long and tumultuous month. And most importantly, if you know anyone who needs a personal assistant, email me back immediately. My life has lost its meaning.

Signed,

Jenna's Assistant

Isn't Jenna's mother a hoot? Okay, and by hoot, I mean, completely self-absorbed and clueless to other people's feelings. It boggles my mind to think of how Jenna was able to be raised by that and still be the caring and dignified young woman she is today.

Verna is a hurricane whenever she whips into town. Leaving pile of destruction wherever she lands. Usually, it's me, the assistant, who has to pick up the sad debris of Wet N Wild make-up and empty Aqua Net cans afterwards.

I remember when Jenna told me the story of her early audition days and what a nightmare Verna used to be on the set. Talk about being definition of a stage mother. I heard Dina Lohan used to regularly place calls to Verna for advice. Until her daughters begin auditioning for the same acting roles as Jenna. I still think Jenna could have pulled off the role of Cady in "Mean Girls."

But, that's the past now and Jenna is excited to embrace her new future with Verna and I'm happy when Jenna is happy. Just look at this photo.

Now off to find more feathers for Jenna's recent collection of earrings. Anybody know how I can get rid of pigeon mites?

So, here we are barely having survived another Halloween weekend. Was going to go as Jenna, but quickly realized (and was told by one of the Gay Michaels) that I couldn't pull it off. I decided to go as Frank instead, by wearing one of his hats I stole from the writers' room.

I appreciate the honesty that goes into being part of Jenna's gay entourage. Once, they looked me over and up and down and didn't say a word. I felt so low, I threatened to raid Jenna's medicine cabinet for the largest Tijuana-brand bottle that I couldn't pronounce. Luckily, Jenna barged in and got mad at the thought of me using her pills to off myself, especially on the night she was set to host a book-release party of her book, "Fame Chronicles," in the back alley of one of New York's hottest restaurants. I guess she wasn't really mad at the thought of me attempting to do the act, but more mad that my job was to roll out her red carpet. Needless to say, everything worked out in the end and not only was I there to roll out the red carpet, I was right there for Jenna, to help roll that carpet up.

Hi Jenna Maroney fans! Welcome to the official site of the international multi-talented superstar. May this be your guide to everything Jenna.

Jenna cares deeply about her web fans and wants you all to know that just because she's hotter than you, doesn't mean you are all not constantly on her mind.

In her defense, you try finding the time to update your website while being extremely gifted at singing, acting, posing, committing charitable acts and being ridiculously gorgeous at the same time!

So, I'll take on the responsibility of updating you, Jenna's biggest fans, with all the latest news on her appearances, parties, lovers and more!