Mazel Tov, Dummies!
Liz and Criss are sitting side by side, nervously eyeing a pregnancy test. Liz doesn't want to look, but Criss assures her it's a win-win situation; if it's positive, there's a baby on the way, and if it's negative, they get to eat disco fries because they're sad! We cut to see Liz shoving a handful of disco fries into her mouth. Just as Liz is wallowing in her disappointment, she spots Dennis Duffy, of all people, a few seats down from them, giving orange soda to a baby! His African-American baby named Black Dennis! Liz can barely believe her eyes as Dennis' new wife Megan strolls over, a stripper who's got a habit of keeping a can of beer in her jacket. Liz is incredulous: she and Criss are unable to get pregnant but these insane people are able to adopt?
In Tracy's dressing room, Grizz and Dotcom are helping Tracy pick his next project for his production company, Damn It I'll Pick A Name Later Dot Com Productions. Frank pitches a love story about a lazy pervert who's into hats, Kenneth has an inspirational logline about Hitler daring to be different in a world of freedom, Keith suggests a Harriet Tubman biopic called "The Moses of Maryland," and Jack offers Tracy the chance to be the voice of "Kaboing," an evil wizard who takes jumping away from Jumpland. None of these appeal to Tracy.
In her office, Liz is still in disbelief that the Duffys were able to adopt when her name's been on adoption lists for years! Why should marriage have to be a deciding factor? Someone isn't a better parent just because they've signed a paper. Take Liz and Criss: they're stable, in love, and committed. They might as well be married so… so why don't they get married?! In a spur-of-the-moment decision and after a bit of caveman-like banter ("Me need a piece of paper to know how I feel durrrr"), Liz and Criss agree to get married! They plan to get a license today and wed tomorrow, Top Gun-style.
Outside 30 Rock, a crazy-eyed little man comes up to Jenna and informs her she's his slave. He reminds her of the Surge cola commercial she once acted in that informed viewers that for one million surge points, they could win Jenna. Well, since then he's been collecting Surge cola for 17 years and now he's finally got enough points to own Jenna.
Meanwhile, Liz happily strolls into Jack's office to inform him of her recent engagement. Jack's so overcome with joy that he embraces Liz, and she's pleasantly surprised when it turns out to the best hug she's ever had. She assures Jack that it isn't a big deal, more of a formality, really, so that she and Criss can adopt, but Jack won't hear of it. He insists on a big wedding for her special day - he'll get Tony Bennett to perform. Liz is reluctant; she has zero interest in being a princess. She explains that weddings are not about love, but merely a giant industry monster that preys on gender stereotypes! She will not give in to the wedding industry's phallocentric fairytale grotesquerie. Tomorrow she will walk down the aisle in a sweatshirt and no bra, Liz Lemon-style. Jack cannot believe what he's hearing, and reaches for his drink when Liz informs him that they're registered at the Popcorn Palace.
At his checkup, Tracy's distressed to find that for once, there's absolutely nothing wrong with him, at least in the medical sense. Because he so closely resembles James Dean, he always thought he'd die young. That belief is what's allowed him to live recklessly, always breaking the law and buying exotic sharks and then trying to hug them. Now that Dr. Spaceman's given him a preposterous 40-50 years left to live, he's going to have start living like there is a tomorrow. Dr. Spaceman isn't pleased either; all of Tracy's medical problems have almost helped him pay for med school.
Jenna walks into Jack's office with Terry, her new slave master, and asks to be let out of her TGS contract so she can move to Arizona and live in a birdcage for him. When Terry informs Jack that he'd be willing to accept her equivalent cash value, Jack whips out a calculator. Subtracting the costs of Jenna's seventh grade education, Hepatitis D, foie gras credit card debt and being wanted by the Yakuza, Jenna's final net worth is a mere $2,000. Terry happily accepts; in Arizona that buys him a castle and a pillowcase full of meth. Ever unstable, Jenna is crushed by his decision.
Tracy, on the other hand, is getting his act together. He sobs while he tries to figure out how to brush his teeth, plans for his retirement, and replaces his chainsaw hat fund with a college fund for his kids. He even gives up his radioactive piranha, and stoops to wearing a clean-cut suit.
Criss and Liz arrive at City Hall. Liz sends him with Shanice, the chapel clerk, to fill out their paperwork while she goes off in search of witnesses. Approaching a couple dressed head to toe in Mets gear, Liz asks if they'd be willing to be her witnesses. The couple is put off; Liz really didn't invite anyone to her wedding? Liz doesn't understand their disapproval. It's just City Hall! They're wearing Mets gear for god's sakes. Yet when Liz learn that that's what they were wearing when they first met, she looks around the hall and it dawns on her that every couple here is dressed for the occasion and looks madly in love. Criss notices her slight change of heart, and assures her that if she wants her special day, she can have it! Liz scoffs, offering up a profound eye-rolling at the thought. She sends Criss off to get his birth certificate, which he forgot at home, and she continues her search for witnesses.
Summoned by Kenneth, Jack appears in Jenna's dressing room. She's dressed in all black and pouring vodka into her tomato soup. Jack's cut-rate bargaining left her in a state of pure and total devastation. Jack tries to cheer her up. After all, Kenneth is only worth five dollars! And Jack, who used to be on top of the world, has had two divorces, no possibility of a promotion, and now he's comforting a $2,000 actress because a janitor told him he hurt her feelings. As this realization dawns on him, Jack's face grimaces with pain, but Jenna plants a kiss on his cheek, delighted to hear that he's worth even less than she is.
Back at City Hall, Liz is frustrated with Criss for changing into the turtleneck he wore when they first met at Riverside Park. And it's not just that: while Liz has hauled in two homeless men to be witnesses, Criss thought it'd be better to have a witness they actually know. He ended up inviting the only people he knew would be free on a Wednesday afternoon - the Duffys. Dennis wishes them a "Mazel tov, dummies!" Liz is furious. Confused by her outburst, Criss asks her straight out: is this wedding going to be a big deal or not? Poor Liz is torn between love and politics. She's been so sure for a long time that a wedding wasn't in her future that she convinced herself she didn't care about it. After all, the happiest day of her life so far has been when her show got picked up and when she got a Starburst roll full of pink Starburst. Her parents even spent all her wedding savings on a PT Cruiser! Yet when she met Criss, all of that changed. Now a significant part of her wants to be, dare she say it, a princess. Being in love inspires her to want the special day not just for her, but for Criss, too.
Criss is relieved. He assures her that it's OK to be a human woman! In fact, forgetting his birth certificate and inviting Dennis was all part of his plan to make Liz admit that she wanted something special and not just sign a flimsy piece of paper. Liz is rejuvenated. They're going to do this right with rings, flowers, and suits, even deodorant! The happy couple runs out of City Hall to prepare.
Meanwhile, Tracy, carefully reading the first page of "The Moses of Maryland," is so engrossed in the script that he walks right into the street and gets hit by a taxi. As if in a dream, Tracy suddenly appears in an empty white room (his brain) along with Harriet Tubman, who garners a striking resemblance to Jack in period garb. Harriett tries to strike up a conversation but when Tracy realizes it's his mind and he's in control, he forces Harriett to eat corn on the cob and make it sexy. Harriett assures Tracy, who's reluctant to go on living, that just because he's healthy doesn't mean death isn't right around the corner. He could get hit by a taxi, or fall into a manhole. Delighted, Tracy steps out of the dream.
A nearby Liz rushes out of the cab to make sure Tracy's okay, and in her excitement tells him that she's in a rush because she's getting married. Tracy, overjoyed because now anything is possible, steps back into the street and gets hit by another cab. Somehow, he's unhurt! Liz rushes off while Tracy runs into his dressing room and announces to Grizz and Dotcom that he's choosing the Harriet Tubman biopic. After all, an expensive period piece starring a middle-aged woman? No one's going to want to see that; it's the most irresponsible choice he could make! Tracy's back!
As Liz rifles through the maroon, grey, and navy clothing in her closet, she gives Jack a call and tells him to meet her at City Hall. The Duffy family races to the ceremony with handfuls of flowers, and Criss stops by a police auction for one finishing touch. Finally, everything is set.
Liz walks into the room in a Princess Leia Halloween costume, her hair fashioned into two large donut buns on either side of her head. Jack's mouth falls open with shock; she's a princess after all. For rings, Criss presents Liz with a blinged-out ring that says "Tito," bought at the police auction after a drug dealer whom the police shot in the face in Riverside Park, where they first met. Liz gently places a diamond-encrusted grill into Criss' mouth as her sign of everlasting love. Jack reads an excerpt from Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead." As Megan Duffy, clad in a pink mini-dress, snaps photos and Jack looks on proudly, Liz and Criss are pronounced husband and wife by the state of New York. This is Tony Bennett's cue, and he strolls in singing "Just in Time." The odd coterie of wedding guests happily prances around Liz and Criss as they share a gentle kiss. Well, it's gentle until Liz's lip gets caught on Criss' grill. Who knows what's next for these two. Hopefully a child, of course, and a whole lotta disco fries.