Aunt Phatso vs. Jack Donaghy
Striding into work, Jack's perplexed when a security guard stops him and finds it hilarious that his name is Jack Donaghy. He's just about to locate the guard's supervisor when the man asks him to say, "You can't talk to me like that! Don't you know who I am?" Interesting... Jack's catch phrase thrown right at him.
In the elevator, two African-American women exchange a look and giggle gleefully. What on earth is going on here? Stepping into the office, Jack orders Gabe to google "Jack Donaghy" and "black laughter" when a postal worker, an African-American woman named Irene, chuckles in his direction. Now Jack's angry. Hasn't he always championed diversity on NBC? They've got football! Irene reveals that Jack Donaghy is the villain from Tracy Jordan's Aunt Phatso movie! Gabe holds up his iPad to reveal a scene in which Tracy, dressed in drag, is arguing with Movie Jack, who's a crotchety man, very white and very Republican, out to ruin the world with his selfish bureaucracy. Jack is downright appalled.
Pete's trying to work in the studio when Hazel, who "accidentally" wore her tap shoes to work, does a quick number for him. Pete assures her that she's not getting on the show. Jenna watches and scoffs. Liz hobbles into the studio; she needs bunion surgery. Pete informs her that due to a slight budget mishap, she needs to completely rewrite tomorrow's show to take place in a farmhouse. Frustrated, Liz realizes that she can't even take time off for surgery.
In Tracy's dressing room, Jack intently watches yet another Aunt Phatso scene, when Liz happens by. Jacks ask why she's hobbling, and she explains that she needs surgery but can't get it because she does all the work around here. Jack corrects her: she chooses to do all the work around here. He advises her to hire an assistant to make her life easier. After all, how can she take care of a kid if she can't even take care of her own two feet?
Tracy arrives and Jack demands that he explain the movies and the appalling way he's being depicted. Tracy proudly tells him that he wrote, directed and did all the makeup for the movie himself over July 4th weekend. The movie made $50 million in Atlanta! Jack's stunned that after all he did for Tracy, bringing him back from the dead and reviving his career, Tracy would pay him back with such mockery. Jack orders Tracy to remove every Aunt Phatso DVD from stores and melt them into a statue of him apologizing, but Tracy refuses. In fact, there's another one coming out soon: "Tracy Jordan's Aunt Phatso's Jack Donaghy's We At It Again." Jack warns Tracy not to release that movie, but Tracy could care less. He can't be ordered around! He's not Liz Lemon. He's rich! And a CEO of his own company. He's basically Jack Donaghy. Jack, unwavering, threatens to fire Tracy if the movie gets released. After all, he's still his boss and has every right to make that threat.
After talking to Kenneth and learning of Liz's dilemma, Hazel hits on a scheme that will put her in the show: become Liz's assistant. She corners Liz in her office, hanging up her jacket and informing her that she's put all the new promos on her computer. Best of all, she got Liz a freezer full of frozen candy bars. Hazel's clearly off her rocker, but Liz agrees that if she can be her eyes and ears while Liz recuperates from her surgery, she'll get the assistant job.
That night, Jack happily settles into his box as the Philharmonic finishes tuning up. There's a special announcement from the conductor: the orchestra has received an anonymous donation that'll keep them funded for the next decade! In honor of the donor, they'll be doing a four-hour rendition of the "Sanford and Son" theme song. This stunt reeks of Tracy. Jack spins around wildly and locks eyes with Tracy sitting in a nearby box. Now who's in charge?
The next day, Hazel wheels Liz into her office and helps her onto the couch, mindful of Liz's swollen, bandaged feet. Liz can barely believe how accommodating Hazel's being: she even got Liz's health plan to cover the surgery! Hazel angles again for a slot on the show, but Liz tells her no dice.
Jack arrives, but is immediately thrown out of Liz's office by Hazel - he can't just barge in. Jack doesn't even mind; he's just glad Liz got herself an assistant. After Hazel lets him in properly, Jack asks Liz what to do about Tracy. Liz agrees that he and Tracy are actually quite similar; they're both stubborn and rich. If Jack really wants to put himself above Tracy, he should just let all of this go. But Jack's determined to prove Liz wrong AND crush Tracy, two birds with one excellent stone.
In Jack's office, Tracy is summoned to a meeting with Jack and his two lawyers, one German and one Japanese. Jack claims he can sue Tracy for libel, taking every penny, including the ones that Tracy's swallowed. It looks like Tracy must admit defeat.
As the live show approaches, Liz asks Hazel to wheel her down to the studio, but Hazel refuses. Liz has to keep her priorities straight! She's only had surgery that morning. What if her feet were real babies? Would she walk on them to work? Hazel thinks not. Liz has only missed one show in seven years, but Hazel assures her she won't be missing this one. She flips on the office TV to the live feed and tells Liz that her wheelchair is right outside, should there be an emergency. Hazel shuts the door to Liz's office, and with a wild look in her already cuckoo eyes, flings Liz's wheelchair into the wall, breaking it. There'll be no escape for Liz Lemon.
Liz is happily settled in with a frozen chocolate bar until she sees herself on screen and realizes that Hazel put in a DVD of an old taping! Realizing the deception can only mean no good, Liz vaults into action. Apologizing to her poor feet, her only babies, Liz races down to the studio where Hazel waits behind a curtain in a shimmery pink leotard, ready to perform her rhythmic routine. Liz drags Hazel off the stage just in time and, in her rage, fires her. The show goes live and the curtains open to reveal an empty set. A new cold open was never written. Liz sobs. Not only did she ruin her feet, but the show was a total embarrassment as well.
The following day, Jack strolls into his office and finds Tracy there. Tracy explains that he's there to cordially invite Jack to the benefit gala opening of the new Aunt Phatso movie. If Jack tries to stop the premiere, the benefit won't happen and the orphanage will have to close - technically Jack will be shutting down an orphanage. Jack's amazed, and rather impressed, that Tracy's beaten him at his own game. The best part is, at the conclusion of the film, Jack Donaghy isn't even the villain! He and Aunt Phatso cannot deny each other's affections and get together.
A depressed Liz hobbles in on crutches, admitting that she'll never be able to start a family AND work at TGS. Does she give up on her dream job, something she's worked for her entire life or does she give up her dream of having a family? Tracy, who Jack now regards as a genius, advises her to "respect her boobies" as Aunt Phatso would do. The trio burst out laughing, but Liz is serious. What's a gal to do?